


Drama

by theRUSH



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, First Love, Headcanon, Idols, M/M, Puppy Love, Taboo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 05:20:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 21,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25988110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theRUSH/pseuds/theRUSH
Summary: Soobin and Yeonjun are forced to fake a relationship. Gradually, the line between what is a show and what is real blurs, and the tension becomes unbearable. Unable to sort their feelings, their mixed signals lead to a love affair as passionate as it is messy. Their recklessness escalates to threaten their entire career. But they just can't quit. Follows real events/canon txt.
Relationships: Choi Soobin/Choi Yeonjun, Yeonbin - Relationship
Comments: 80
Kudos: 113





	1. Dear Moon

Sometimes in the dead of night, when his body ached, what kept him up was the throbbing. Of his body, of his mind, circling around the thought of Yeonjun. He’d think about how close those lips had come to his ear, the low rumble of Yeonjun’s voice drifting through him each time. And it was clear that this was a show, all of it. But somewhere along the way, he’d begun wishing it were real. 

It had been during their third meeting as a newly formed group. The lineup had been set, but there was no name. They sat, single file along one edge of a long conference table. “These days, the romance factor is big business,” his manager had explained. “Soobin and Yeonjun…” They had both sat up in their seats. “You have been selected as the romantic pair. This is mainly because you two will be of age upon debut. Of course, you have the option of rejecting, if this is against your principles, or for any other reason...”

Soobin had looked over nervously. Three seats away, the cool-headed model trainee, who had been given the most dreaded role in the industry. A whole world of distance between them. Yeonjun’s eyes had been confidently set forward. “I’ll do it.” He had said. 

And Soobin had felt like an idiot for not realizing; this too was part of the job. He had followed Yeonjun’s lead, “If he’s okay with it, I will too.” 

“Great, um. We have set some meetings to help you both understand what is expected, but it is essentially the same intimacy behaviors you have been trained with for group dynamics, but with added skinship.” the manager had slid a print out across the table. They had both received a copy.

They’d grown into each other since then. Yeonjun would feel his waist, Soobin would lean into him. He’d smell Yeonjun’s cologne on the back of his neck when he hugged him from behind. Soobin knew his small frame all too well, and the wide, round grip of his hand. The way he smiled. And for the longest time, Soobin felt fondness, and the rest was just the job.

It seemed like a lifetime since they were assigned as “the romantic pair.” Now it was nearly 10 months into debut. That evening, they crowded into the frame of the camera for the last task of the day: a live broadcast. Two staff members joined, setting up a static cam. Yeonjun leaned against Soobin on instinct, as they listened to their instructions for the night. The frigid december air escaped through a draft in the window behind them. Midnight in early winter, home after dance practice, the draft felt good. He just wanted to sleep.

“This is Soobin’s birthday vlive,” the staff explained, “we also want to mention the two awards, especially MAMA. There is no set length, but we want to have a countdown and cake.” 

“There’s cake?!” Hueningkai exclaimed.

“How does it feel to be 20?” Yeonjun asked, adjusting a hair from in front of his face. Since he’d gone blue, his bangs were always unruly.

“I feel like I missed the adulthood memo.” Soobin said. Staff gestured for everyone to move in closer. Beomgyu and Soobin scooted their chairs. “Probably because I’m around a whole bunch of teenagers.” He said, everyone howled in protest. He Adjusted his place, knee tapping against Yeonjun’s leg. 

“Hey, I think I’m a lot of fun to be around,” Hueningkai complained.

“Ya, Taehyun’s left toe has more maturity than anyone in this room.” Beomgyu laughed.

“What a surprisingly nice thing to say. Do you want something from me?” Taehyun chuckled. Soobin adjusted his sweater, brushed some lint and crinkles from the softly woven bolt pattern. 

“I want a love like Yeonbin,” Beomgyu said, pitching up his voice, imitating the starry-eyed expression of a fan.

“Sorry, don’t swing that way.” Taehyun rebutted playfully.

“No one believes that.” Hueningkai suddenly said. He had a bored expression on his face. Yeonjun snorted and everyone laughed.

“You’re getting a real mouth on you—-“ Taehyun snagged Huening Kai’s hoodie and went to mess up his hair.

“Ya ya ya ya ya -“ Hueningkai screamed between laughs.

“Okay, we’re all set to go live. 2 minutes.” Staff said. 

They sat up by instinct, checked their clothes and smoothed their hair. 

“Let’s pull a frozen prank,” Beomgyu said. 

“I got you.” Hueningkai raised both arms and parted his mouth, looking up to the sky like a bizarre jazz-hand statue. Yeonjun held back a laugh.

“Jesus,” Beomgyu commented. 

“Listen, I’m excited for the cake,” Hueningkai said.

“okay everyone act frozen.” Soobin said. 

They watched the comments fly in from a tablet out of view. The view count rose steadily, until Yeonjun finally moved. In the thousands, Beomgyu said, “Wait, people are saying there’s a connection problem.” Their internet wasn’t the best in the apartment. 

Everyone relaxed in their seats. And the broadcast began. Beomgyu started, but it was clear he didn’t know what was going on. Hueningkai rushed through all the announcements, each thought catching in a dead space before he finished a sentence.

He mentioned their two awards, MAMA, Yeonjun started singing and the others chaotically tried to take over. Hueningkai tripped through it til the last, then they filled the dead space by reading comments. Soobin continued to look over as they conversed, struggling to find a place to chime in. Beomgyu seized the tablet as Taehyun began spamming hearts on their own broadcast.

“We performed another dance break. Hueningkai tried very hard.” Beomgyu said. “Lets give him a round of applause.” They all clapped together.

“Yes, I saw him practicing late at night.” Soobin said.

“He’s improved a lot recently.” Yeonjun added. 

They continued reading comments. Hueningkai exclaimed in excitement. “‘Heuningkai-oppa’ ah, thank you for calling me that.”

“He can’t be an oppa,” Taehyun replied immediately.

“I hear there are two type of fans for us. Oppa clan and Baby clan. It was all baby at first, but with the last comeback, the Oppa clan showed up.” Hueningkai said.

“Shouldn’t it all be baby clan.” Soobin laughed incredulously. 

“No, Oppa clan is bigger” someone said, but Yeonjun was talking at the same time, “I’m Oppa clan,” he commented. People weren’t listening, so he turned to Soobin.

“Trust oppa,” Yeonjun said, while the others continued on talking. 

Then Yeonjun grabbed Soobin’s shoulder, pulled him in. “Soobin, trust oppa.” He pouted his lips for a kiss, leaning in. Soobin turned to the mention of his name, the sound of Yeonjun calling himself oppa, the smell of his cologne. Soobin thought about what would happen if he leaned in and let it happen. Then he snapped out of it. In a delayed response, he pulled away. He covered his mouth in surprise. Yeonjun wouldn’t let him go. 

Soobin suddenly felt a hand on his inner thigh, pulling him in, electric. His whole body heated up instantly, like a rush that made him shudder from his ears to his toes. Yeonjun mumbled, quieter than before, “trust oppa,” puckering his lips with the gaze of a hunter, his fingers playing along Soobin’s ear and neck. And Soobin’s mind was so scrambled. The feeling of Yeonjun’s hand traveling between his legs, it was all he could do not to gasp. The pleasure was immediate. 

Soobin stared forward, breath catching in his throat. Yeonjun noticed and let go. The other three in the room were engrossed in conversation. But when Yeonjun stopped talking, Hueningkai looked back. 

Soobin repositioned himself subtly, moving his legs away, leaning into Yeonjun and gripping the arm around him. He smiled, so that no one on the other side of the camera would know something was amiss. Hueningkai raised his eyebrows and looked back at the camera. He was always less than graceful at hiding his surprise. It was his charm point.

“Oh? It’s 59?” Yeonjun said, looking at the staff clock. His voice was mesmerizing. Soobin didn’t know what was happening.

“59? Yay!!” Soobin said with a small clap.

“59, 59, 59,” Yeonjun continued, musically.

They proceeded to argue about what time it was. But the countdown began nontheless. The staff prepared the cake off screen. “How does it feel to be a year older?” Beomgyu asked. “It’s not my birthday yet.” Soobin deflected, his mind was a mess. Beomgyu continued firing questions and comments while Huening Kai and Taehyun counted down. 

Then when the clock struck 12, the others members cheered, and Yeonjun immediately began singing. He received the cake. Commented on it. The sound of Yeonjun singing in his ear was all he focused on. He felt Yeonjun’s finger on his neck. Yeonjun wiped the buttercream onto him. Soobin again reacted with a delay, wiping the icing off without so much as a comment. Yeonjun then confirmed that something was wrong. They brought out a hat, he put it on. Didn’t really register its significance until later. Hueningkai was practically bouncing out of his seat for the cake. 

They broke up the slices chaotically. And Soobin played at eating some of it. They asked him how he felt, he said something about MAMA and struggled to find the right words. Just then, he felt a hand on his leg again, sliding up. His thigh twitched. He continued smiling, looking over at Yeonjun whose free hand was taking a bite of the cake. He moved his leg away again. And he found himself tapping impatiently with his other leg, trying to distract himself from fixating what had just happened. But he just couldn’t focus.

And they continued the conversation for another ten minutes or so. It was excruciatingly long. Somehow Soobin spoke through it, but he hardly felt he was living up to the centerstage, birthday boy role. When the staff gave the cue to wrap up, he had never felt more relieved. He pulled out generic fallback topics, mentioned aegyo, and hoped his act was worthwhile by the end.

He hit the button to turn the broadcast off. The other members sighed with relief, as he had forced them to act cute the entire time. The staff began packing up. They sat back and stretched. Beomgyu got up and handed the tablet over. Taehyun started clearing the cake away, Huening Kai snagged it and muttered that he’d finish it. 

The staff began leaving. Everyone bowed as each person exited. When the door closed behind them, Beomgyu locked up. 

“Finally done.” Beomgyu exclaimed. Soobin immediately sat down.

“Anything you want to do for your birthday before we sleep?” Yeonjun asked.

Soobin stared straight forward and muttered, “Don’t touch me like that again.”

“What..” Yeonjun replied in confusion. 

“I don’t like it,” Soobin pushed the topic, “you knew It too and you did it again.” 

“What are they talking about?” Taehyun said.

“Beats me.” Beomgyu replied.

“I didn’t know anything,” Yeonjun continued, his voice was immediately irritated.

“I don’t like being...handled.” Soobin replied.

“Oh, I knowwhat thiis’is abouf,” Hueningkai said, muffled through a mouthful of cake. 

Yeonjun pursed his lips, traced his tongue across his teeth. He thought on the words, hesitated before speaking. “I think you like being handled plenty.” Yeonjun said. 

“I said I don’t, what’s your problem?” Soobin snapped. 

“Should-should we go?” Taehyun said.

“No,” Yeonjun stated, “we’re going for a walk.” He went over to the couch in the corner and sorted through the clothes left there. He threw Soobin his coat.

“It’s not that big of a deal. I just want to sleep.” Soobin sighed, held his coat in his lap.

“Well, you can’t always get what you want, birthday boy. We’re talking this out.” Yeonjun said. He put on his parka, threw it up over his shoulders and zipped it part way. 

Soobin sat perfectly still. The others didn’t move. Yeonjun unlocked the door and stopped it with his foot. “I’ll be waiting outside.” 

He went through and the door shut again. Soobin looked to everyone for help.

“You should go. He’ll stay out there until you join him.” Taehyun said.

“He knows it’s your birthday. I’m sure he just wants to apologize privately.” Beomgyu added.

Soobin inhaled sharply. Then he put on his coat.

“Phone charged? Got a mask?” Beomgyu said. He nodded. Then he left.

Seoul at midnight was hardly a sleeping city. Even as the temperature dipped just below freezing, the streets were moderately busy. they zipped up, wore hats, and put on masks to avoid being seen. It was peaceful on the side streets at least. Yeonjun slicked his blue hair inside a ball cap and drew his furry hood up around red ears. He pulled his mask down just to huff a breath into the chilly air. The warm puff escaped from his lips like a soft cloud. Soobin had his hands in the pockets of his jacket, a down coat that reached down as far as his cardigan. It kept everything but his nose warm. They started walking. 

“First I want to say, you’re absolutely right. I got carried away. I only acted mad so the others wouldn’t want to come.” Yeonjun said.

“What?”

“I was actually going to bring it up, but you brought it up first so.” 

“Wait...what are we doing out here? Can I sleep?” Soobin said. 

“No. Come with me.” Yeonjun replied. They rounded the corner, and a kt taxi was waiting for them. 

“Are you nuts? We can’t get in a cab.” Soobin said. 

“Just get in the car.”

Yeonjun scanned his t-money card as they got in. Soobin watched the ads on the back of the driver’s seat, looked outside occasionally. He could tell they were heading uptown.

“I saw you on TV last night.” The cab driver mused. “My daughter, she likes those things.” 

“Oh, thank youu~” Yeonjun chimed.

“Thank you.” Soobin repeated. They both bowed.

The sky rises became frequent and more spread out, and the overpass brought them through Gangnam into the heart of the city. When they were far up, looking out over the buildings and cars, he could have sworn these streets outshined the stars. 

And when they arrived, they stepped out at the foot of some tourist attraction. An old wall, one of many, with a little plaque in English and Korean. It was surrounded by open land, in the middle of the city. The path alongside the wall was well worn, but only a few people were walking the streets around them, and none along the wall. It wound far up a hill, through some trees, where it couldn’t be seen anymore. 

“What is this?” Soobin said.

“We’re climbing.” Yeonjun said.

“But- I didn’t wear the right shoes.” Soobin protested, but Yeonjun was already on his way up. “It’s also late. And we’re not supposed to be out—“ 

“You're not underage anymore they can’t stop us. Just come on, it’s not that far.” 

It was 20 minutes before they reached the top. They passed through a park, paved and unpaved sections, steps and slopes, the tiling on the top of the wall saw decay beneath the trees, while houses gradually grew closer and lined its other side. When the steep hill leveled out, they were both slightly hot. Yeonjun pauses for a moment. Soobin came up to him and wiped his hairline, budding with the tiniest bit of blue sweat. He took his hood down and they both unzipped their coats. A little farther down, the wall ended in a cluster of houses atop the hill, shades of yellow and grey in the dim streetlights. No one was around.

A little sign sat outside one of the houses. It had been converted into a Cafe. It had a tall structure, traditional architecture and a large courtyard to match. A short gate barred them out. 

“It’s closed,” Soobin said.

“Brilliant deduction.” Yeonjun produced a key from his pocket with a grin, “not closed to us though.”

He unlocked the gate. “Where did you steal that from.” Soobin asked as he followed Yeonjun. The foliage grew wild in clusters of sad winter blooms.

“Hey. I know a guy. This is all totally approved by the owner.” They walked the meandering pavestones to find a walnut deck lining the side of the house. The kitchen was unmanned, lights turned off, the espresso machine asleep, every chair cleared and turned on top of a table. Except for two. They sat alone at center of the deck, against a long bar table which protruded from the railing. And as they approached closer, Soobin realized it wasn’t a deck. It was a balcony.

Crowded by a hillside of trees, they could see the entire city beneath them, glistening in gold and blue and red. And farther still, the mountains cradled streets which seemed to go as far as the eye could see. On a clear december night, all but a few stars had fallen to meet the earth there. It was the measured universe.

On the wooden bar, there were two energy drinks and some convenience store melon bread. “You got me these when I was really beat down. So I thought I’d finally return the favor.” Yeonjun said as he hopped onto the bar and put his feet on his chair.

Soobin sat down, “I remember. You’d be sleeping face down. I’d leave you an energy drink, and when I came back, you were sleeping in the same position but the can was empty.” They laughed.

Yeonjun opened his drink and stared out at the cityscape. “I came here a lot in school, when I couldn’t figure things out. I wanted you to see it.” When Soobin looked over, Yeonjun was looking straight ahead, blush creeping up to his ears, “Anyway. Happy Birthday.” 

“Thanks,” Soobin said, opening his can. The crisp sound of the lid popping, echoing in the night. He took a sip and then said, “you know this kind of feels like…”

“A date.” Yeonjun finished, “yeah I’m just now realizing. Maybe we should have brought all the guys.” 

“Going hiking with Ning at night in the middle of winter, think I’ll pass.” Soobin strained his eyes.

“He’ll go farther than any of us, all that young energy,” Yeonjun replied with a laugh, “You can be anything at his age.” He swirled his energy drink in the fingers of one hand. Soobin stared at the view in front of them. Then he shuttered. Energy drinks in winter was a mistake.

The minutes passed, staring and thinking.

“...Do you ever feel small?” Yeonjun asked, “Like no matter what we do, we can’t control whether or not we’ll be remembered.” 

“I’ve thought about it…” Soobin replied. He watched the city, admired the contour of each building and the glow from the streetlights at ground level. The traffic lights changing for lanes without cars. “Everyone comes here wanting to be someone. But no matter who you are, in 10 years, you’re nobody again.” He smiled bitterly.

“...Sorry things got so dark,” Yeonjun said. 

“I try not to think about what I can’t change —There’s no version of the future, what could have been, that matters more than this moment.” Soobin blurted out. To this point, they hadn’t been looking at each other, just fascinated by the city. But Yeonjun turned at that moment. “Maybe that makes me a romantic, but that’s what I believe.” Soobin stated.

Yeonjun stared at him, then stared at his drink, processing and somewhat in awe. Then he looked up and said, “You’re right. YOLO.” Soobin scoffed, “That’s not exactly what I said.” Yeonjun put his drink down, forcefully. It splashed with carbonated suds. Then he got up on the bar and stood.

“What are you doing??” Soobin said. 

“I’m activating my youth.” Yeonjun said.

“This is not what I meant. Whatever you’re about to do, people eat on this, get your shoes off.” Soobin stood to reach for his arm. Yeonjun grabbed the posts of the balcony and leaned as far over as he could. His dusty shoes hung over the edge by their heels, marked by the journey they’d made. “WOOOOOOOOOO” he screamed.

“Shut up!” Soobin took his hand, “People live here.” 

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO CHOI SOOBIN,” he wailed until his voice cracked, the cold nipping at his ears. Or was it blush.

Soobin was stunned for a moment. Then they heard the shutter of a window slam open. “SHUT THE FUCK UP.” a neighbor in her mid 50s shrieked. Her voice boomed so startling that Yeonjun lost his grip.

Yeonjun went flying forward, face first with nothing to catch him. He had one hand and one foot hurdling off the balcony. Soobin tugged his hand and pulled him hard until his last leg on the bar gave in. Yeonjun tumbled from the bar, landing directly on Soobin. The chairs clattered and slid back. Yeonjun’s energy drink was spilled. 

They hit the ground laughing. “You’re so stupid.” Soobin laughed. 

“Did you hear her voice, she sounded like a frog,” Yeonjun was laughing so hard he might cry. He propped himself up. Soobin realized Yeonjun was on top of him.

“You're sensitive on your legs, right?” Yeonjun asked suddenly. His ball cap had flown off, blue hair all messy with a halo of frizz and that mischievous look he got. Their labored breathing left clouds in the air.

“Yeah. Don’t tell anyone.” Soobin replied, but his heart was doing backflips. 

Yeonjun rolled over and rested his head on Soobin’s outstretched arm. They stared at the wooden ceiling. “Do you want to go home and sleep?” Yeonjun asked. 

“Yes.” Soobin replied immediately.

“I’ll call a cab.”

“Wait- we could have taken a cab here this whole time?” 

“Yeah but the walk is better.”

“Why—“ Soobin sighed. Yeonjun was already walking ahead of him, and he followed.

They got in the cab and traveled back. It was past 3am when they made it. Their apartment lights were still on. And as they made it up the stairs, the warmth of the heater blasted them at the entrance. As soon as they opened the door, the others launched at them. 

“What the hell was that.” Beomgyu said. 

“We texted the group chat like 40 times.” Taehyun added.

“Soobin, now this is important. Did you or did you not punch Yeonjun.” Huening Kai said. 

They started taking off their coats and Yeonjun shook a hand through his hair. “What? No.” Soobin said, unzipping.

Heuningkai and Beomgyu groaned.

“HA!” Taehyun said, “you guys owe me 20000 won.” 

“I don’t believe you. Yeonjun looks messed up.” Beomgyu said.

“I fell.” Yeonjun replied.

“Alright, it’s bedtime.” Soobin said. 

They protested, so he stayed up for a while talking with them. They brought out presents. And then everyone filed into their rooms. He took his bottom bunk. But he couldn’t sleep. He stared at the ceiling, imagining the exposed wooden planking of the balcony.

He was lying in bed. His body was tired but his thoughts swirled uncontrollably. It was out of boredom really, or maybe a need to relax. His hand between his legs, nothing was happening. Maybe too tired. He was staring at the ceiling and thinking and breathing. When he thought of Yeonjun’s warm breath like a cloud in the chilled air. His bashful, genuine smile when he laid on the ground, chest heaving from all his screaming. 

Yeonjun popped into his mind. The thoughts that he shouldn’t have, focusing on the small of Yeonjun’s back, the intensity of his gaze, the pout of his lips with every word he said. His proud strut, like he knew exactly what he was doing. Like he knew just how good he would taste.

Soobin wanted him. He’d perfected a technique beneath the covers of that bottom bunk. Hand sliding down the base, how hot and hard he’d get, controlling his voice by catching all his breath inside himself. Thinking about Yeonjun, every fake flirtation, every overly-friendly touch. What it would really be like to have him. How he’d sweat while he chased his high, how he’d stare with that heat in his eyes, how he’d moan from those lips, muscles rolling back when he climaxed.

Soobin came, quiet and hard, inhaling sharply curling in with the tiniest twitch of his toes, the slightest, trembling buck of his hips. That electric feeling he got all over. It was addicting, like it never had been before. And when he came down from it, he felt horrible. 

He gripped the cum in his palm, slipping through his fingers, and he held his sheets away from it. When he noticed it had already gotten all over his boxer and his blankets, his stomach dropped a bit. 

After laying for a while, he got up and snuck quietly to the bathroom. He kept the lights off, leaving the door slightly ajar so the living room window would light his way. He turned the sink on just slightly, running his hand under the water. The cum washed off at an excruciatingly slow pace.

He rested his free hand on the counter and sighed, catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror. What the hell was he doing? Nineteen years old and he hadn’t made a mess this bad since the day he discovered porn. Sneaking around like this, he had a career to think about. 

“Late night?” Yeonjun’s voice came booming from behind him. Soobin whipped around with a startled cry. 

“You scared me.” He said, his heart was beating through his chest. Yeonjun’s bright eyes glowed in the darkness. He was leaning in the doorway, arms crossed. He flipped on the bathroom light.

“Sorry.” Yeonjun said. He came up to Soobin beside the sink and turned the faucet on full blast “move over.” He said, and he put his hands under the faucet for a bit, then took some soap. 

“I was doing it just now too, but I didn’t get anywhere.” Yeonjun said, scrubbing his hands together. 

“I wasn’t doing it,” Soobin said.

“Shut up.” Yeonjun shoved his hands back under the faucet. He looked down idly, then leered at the sight of cum sliding down Soobin’s fingers. He took his hands away from the sink. “Jesus, What in the world are you thinking about?”

Soobin’s heart raced. He could hear it so loud in his ears. “I think about—Blondes. Little blondes.” Soobin lied.

“Ah, with big boobs?” Yeonjun smirked. 

“Yep,” Soobin replied.

“I wish I had your imagination,” Yeonjun said, he finished washing his hands and combed wet fingers through his hair. He brushed it from his face. His lips were so red and swollen. He parted them slightly whenever he looked at himself in the mirror. Soobin stared at him endlessly. Yeonjun fussed with discolored parts of his skin, rubbing his lips together. 

“Think about things you shouldn’t think about,” Soobin said. He was just searching for something to follow up with, he’d spoken his inner thoughts mindlessly. Yeonjun looked up and met Soobin’s eyes in the mirror, studying him. He seemed taken aback. Soobin panicked a bit and looked at Yeonjun’s exposed collarbones in the mirror. That was worse. He met Yeonjun’s eyes again. 

“You’re right. Next time, I’ll think of you,” Yeonjun said.

Soobin processes the words with great delay. He was reeling, felt lightheaded. 

“Im kidding, oh my god calm down.” Yeonjun laughed, turning around to look directly. “Sorry, force of habit. I’m turning into a homo even without the cameras.” 

Soobin’s insides had done so many backflips that his heart had hit rock bottom. He closed his eyes to make sure they wouldn’t betray him. And he shook his head with a smile. “You know you take it too far sometimes,” Soobin gave a forced laugh.

“You shouldn’t make it so fun to tease you.” Yeonjun said. He slapped Soobin’s ass as he took his leave. 

Soobin washed his hands several times, then returned to his bed. He threw himself down face first. He screamed into his pillow. Beomgyu sat up from the top bunk in a completely irritated haze. “Do I even want to know?” He groaned into the darkness.

“I’m okay.” Soobin said, “Go back to sleep.”

“Roger that.” The bunk above him creaked and Beomgyu rolled around. 

Soobin pushed his dirty sheets aside, slept with just a blanket. A shallow rest. When he woke up, it was still there. The sinking realization that Yeonjun turned him on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I originally wrote this as a bit of a cooldown from a serious piece I'm working on. I find that headcanons come easily; they're vivid, fun, and rewarding to writing. I plan on this being around 10-15 chapters, with a fair amount of nsfw in every chapter. But you'll have to wait a bit for them to get together ;). This piece will follow the real events, weather, and schedule of txt as closely as possible. 
> 
> Canon notes: The date of this chapter is December 5th, 2019, and the vlive episode I described is still up for your reference! The chapter shares its name with a track recommended by Soobin in late april 2020 (Dear Moon by Jehwi). He said he listens to it "when he can't sleep and looks at the moon." The cafe I mentioned is one of many I visited while in Seoul. If you climb along the seoul city wall trail, it's built into the side of the hill, and it isn't listed on google maps (perhaps KakaoMaps but I'm horrible at navigating it lol). 
> 
> I usually update every week or so. Check back soon! I'd really love to hear from anyone who reads this.


	2. Fools

The day after they were made the romantic pair. Yeonjun had collapsed beside Soobin during a dance break. His shirt had been drenched through, and he’d flipped the bit of his water bottle aggressively, pressing it to his lips and inhaling like a desperate, unweaned kit. When he’d finished, it flew out from his mouth with a pop. And then he’d turned the bottle over to Soobin. Casually, but with eyes fixed on the ground.

“Thanks,” Soobin had said, “But, I have my own-” he had begun to gesture toward his things, when Yeonjun interrupted.

“Anytime I offer you something, you should take it. That’s how this works.” Yeonjun had said. He spoke with an enunciated pout, panting.

“Oh—” Soobin had looked at the bottle and taken it with both hands, awkwardly, “Thank you.” He’d raised it to his lips and drank. 

And when he’d noticed Yeonjun staring at him, he grew flush on the tips of his ears. Back then, he hadn’t realized the magnitude of faking investment in someone. In this someone. He had thought simply, “wow, his stare is so intense.” The difference between then and now— if only he’d known the kind of person this would make him. 

He sat in a practice room, drenched in sweat and aching all over. Just like that first day. Yeonjun’s blue hair bled all over his shirt. He had his bangs pulled high in a ponytail as he monitored each member.

Soobin shouldn’t have had the time to notice. The way yeonjun’s chest heaved, the way his mouth hung open. When he’d groan from exhaustion. It became a vivid daydream — that he’d wear the same expression after hitting it hard for hours on end. His lips would sing moans shamelessly, so close to finishing that nothing else mattered. 

Soobin was sitting in the back of the practice room with a towel around his neck. All damp, swollen eyes. Yeonjun was beside him. He knew Yeonjun was staring at him through the mirror. But he avoided eye contact. The guilt was instant.

Blue sweat trickled down Yeonjun’s neck. Soobin reached over and dabbed at it with his towel. Yeonjun leaned into him.

“Don’t, you’re sweaty.” Soobin complained.

Yeonjun met his eyes. His gaze was the overcurious kind, like he could know all of you just by looking. He put his hand on Soobin’s cheek. Soobin smiled, pressing into his palm, “what is it?” He laughed nervously. 

Then Yeonjun pulled him in and kissed him. At first, Soobin’s lips were sealed shut in shock. Then by the second quick kiss, he folded immediately. Surrendered to Yeonjun’s soft lips, warm and damp, urging Soobin’s mouth open with devilish ease. His tongue slipped in and traced the roof of Soobin’s mouth, then the ridges of his Cupid’s bow. 

Soobin gasped for air. Yeonjun was studying him, every detail, when his hand snaked up Soobin’s thigh. The unmistakable heat that rushed over him. Yeonjun leaned in, the smell of sweat. Then Soobin realized his pants were around his ankles. 

“Trust Oppa,” Yeonjun whispered in his ear. They were on the floor, in that empty practice room, panting and liplocked, the door slightly ajar. Yeonjun’s hands on his bare skin. The chilled wood of the dance floor. Exposed in the mirror.

His hand reached between Soobin’s legs, finger hooked under the elastic of his boxers. Eyes piercing. Soobin trembled to the touch, sounds slipping from his lips the same way he’d breathe on a track. “Yeonjun —-“ Soobin moaned. 

He gasped and sat up. Suddenly he was in his room. The grey early morning peeked from behind the curtains. The pillow behind him, his blankets on top. He blinked, then grew bright red as the memories of his dream rushed back to him. He looked under the blanket, saw it was ruined with fluid, then he fell back into bed with an exhausted sigh. 

He slinked across the room with a new pair of clothes. Threw his sheets, his pants, his underwear in the wash. He made it to the bathroom and ran a shower. He felt how sticky it was down his leg. He scrubbed himself under sweltering hot water. 

A manager arrived around 5 to wake the others. He poked Yeonjun and Beomgyu, collapsed on the couch, cat napping while waiting for the bathroom. When they’d all gotten ready, they piled into a black car and began work for the day.

They rode out far, two other cars with staff following, ready to assist filming on-location. The crowded buildings and wide lanes thinned into open countryside and dashed lines dividing direction. He drew down the window blind to look out at the sleepy hillside. The temperature slipped just below freezing in mid December, with no sign of thawing. Yeonjun was seated adjacent to Soobin, wearing the same parka he had on that night. 

They met eyes. Soobin looked away, thinking Yeonjun must have peered into his mind. Put in his earbuds, played something, it didn’t matter what. He tried to clear his mind of all the dirty things he’d imagined before. He opened up his browser, typed into Naver.

[are you gay if yo-]

he backspaced.

[if you get of-]

he rephrased.

[if you masturbate to your friend, do you...?]

he looked around at the others, glued to their phones. Then he pressed enter. He scrolled down, found a forum, started reading. He blew a soft, quiet exhale, trying to decompress. Closed his phone and his eyes. 

Then he heard a buzz. It was Yeonjun texting him. 

[about the joke I made, im sorry.] Yeonjun wrote.

Soobin pursed his lips and sat back in his seat, mildly wishing that he could disappear. The irony of Yeonjun apologizing. 

[dont worry about it] Soobin replied.

They reached the location after traveling north a fair way. It was a large hanok, tiled-roof, with a garden, a terrace, driveway winding round the hillside. The stylists filed out of the car, set up quickly in the bathroom. 

“Wow,” Beomgyu said as they stepped out. “What were we doing again?”

“To Do,” Yeonjun replied.

They took their shoes off at the entrance, wardrobe was already waiting, steaming out the last wrinkles. They had yangban hanbok of all different colors. The stylist handed Soobin his ensemble, a beautiful outer robe in iridescent dusty rose. The jeogori was a deep muted blue, baji a sunset red. 

All five of them began stripping as staff members dressed them. Soobin waited for hair and makeup in a daze, sitting on the floor, wearing baji and a tshirt. Yeonjun always went first, because his makeup took the longest. His robe was a brilliant purple, baji a silky heather grey. They stood perfectly still as the last knot was tied and the final crease smoothed. 

Then the staff corralled them into the open hall, beginning the rundown.

“We have segments planned both inside and outside. Just as a warning, it’s very cold today. Around -1 celsius.” staff explained.

Hueningkai gave a small, hollow scream. Everyone groaned as they passed around heat packs. Yeonjun put them inside his thin sneakers. They put on sheer gat hats. “We would reschedule, but this location is rented out for several weeks in advance…”

They hustled into the front yard. The cold air hit Soobin’s face immediately. It went right through him. “Why aren’t we wearing real durumagi, aren’t those for winter?” Taehyun whined. Their costumes might as well have been polyester sheets in the freezing air. “We should be thankful we’re on this side of the camera.” Yeonjun scolded.

They started filming immediately. Soobin buried his hands in his sleeves, clenched his fists. They were told the episode was for lunar new year, over a month from today. After they flashed their palms and said “To Do,” they raced inside for the next segment.

They sat on a carpet, in a room surrounded by windows. They could see the neatly trimmed junipers, the quiet lawn on the hill, and the cameras crowding the view before them. The order was Hueningkai, Yeonjun, Taehyun, Soobin, then Beomgyu all in a row that bowed slightly so they fit in the frame. Yeonjun was looking down as he fumbled with his mic. He put his hands on his knees, sitting half-lotus. 

Hueningkai leaned forward, “Hold on, something’s wrong. Taehyun, why are you between them?” He was gesturing to Soobin and Yeonjun.

“It’s fine like this,” Soobin said.

“They’re fighting. They always sit apart when they’re fighting.” Taehyun replied.

“We’re not fighting…” Yeonjun mumbled.

“Quiet on set.” a staff member announced. 

They sat up straight. Soobin flapped his sleeves around awkwardly, Yeonjun fiddled with his hair. Then the director yelled, “Action.” 

Their first game was alkkagi, a stone flicking game. The winner would receive benefits and be dubbed “the prince.” Soobin tapped his fingers on his legs, a bit of a pout to his smile. He was first up in a match against Hueningkai, and he did horribly. Yeonjun was staring at him, not at the board. They were always told to look at the game, not each other. His lips were plump from kneading them together, staring shamelessly. 

Soobin hit the stone. Hueningkai hit his stone. There was yelling and smiling, but Yeonjun was barely looking at the game. They kept making eye contact like that. Soobin genuinely was aiming for Huening’s stones, but they barely moved an inch. Half the time the stones weren’t making contact at all. 

“Cut!” the director said. “We will edit this segment, but Yeonjun,” the director said, and Yeonjun immediately looked up. The director cleared his throat, “please try to look at the game.” 

“Oh…” Yeonjun leaned back a bit. His ears were red, “Sorry, I didn’t realize. Soobin looks good in hanbok.” He brushed the hair on the nape of his neck consciously. 

Soobin inhaled sharply, blush crawling up his cheeks.

“Soobin breathes and here come Yeonjun flirting,” Beomgyu said, satoori slipping. Taehyun and Hueningkai scoffed.

“He does look nice. Why don’t we put him in the center next shot?” the director said. 

Soobin took a deep breath. He played Yeonjun next. They struggled not to make eye contact. There was one camera angle, focused on the board. The director would probably use it to edit out their interaction. Yeonjun was distracting, even without the pang of guilt Soobin got these days. And the regret for what he’d done heightened the attraction. He was hyper aware of Yeonjun’s lips, prodding out when he was focused. Soobin lost their game. 

When Yeonjun lost to Tae, he sat beside Soobin at center frame. As promised, Yeonjun didn’t look at him. His cologne was a deep skin scent like a mix of oud, amber and spice. Stylists often complained that it got on everything he wore. Soobin smiled and laughed while it soaked into him. Their knees were touching. It was noticeably awkward, the way they made sure they never looked at one another.

He watched Yeonjun’s hands, the ground, anything but his face. The way he folded paper for the next game. Tried to relax. He kept thinking about the dream, it wouldn’t leave him alone. The throbbing of his body when Yeonjun’s fingers traced his inner thigh, gripped it hard. The beginning of the next segment was outside, and hopefully that would cool him off. 

It was absolutely freezing outside. Everyone’s noses turned pink, his feet felt like they’d freeze off. He hid his fingers in the sleeves of his hanbok and clamped down to stop his teeth from chattering. They were each assigned different pairs of shoes, told to spin several times, and then fling them onto a target. Soobin held everyone as they spun. When it came to his turn, Yeonjun held him. Soobin felt the fingers tracing his back. 

After a frustrating round, no one made the target. They changed the rules around, ran the game again, and by the time they were done, everyone was grumpy. Break began and they approached a table out of view, where staff descended upon them with blankets, food, and touch-ups. 

They had around ten minutes to decompress and heat up. Almost immediately, a manager pulled Yeonjun and Soobin aside. They were both gripping onto heat pouches like life rafts in the ocean. 

“The director has told me that there are some chemistry issues.” The manager began, “It’s very important that the brand stay consistent…”

“I understand, it’s my fault,” Yeonjun replied immediately.

“That’s not true. It’s mine.” Soobin said. 

The calculation was simple really: fans came for the face, they stayed for the relationship dynamics, and all of it was one elaborate promotion for music. Partners relied on idols to sell the tracks better than they could ever realize under independent release. When interaction wasn’t there, production value went down. So they brought it every time the cameras were on. If it was done well, you’d never know it wasn’t real. And that was the trouble in all of it.

The next scene, Yeonjun was assigned “Prince,” capable of manipulating some of the game rules. Soobin immediately started sucking up to him.Yeonjun lit up when they were like this. He played with different birdies that they had to dribble for the next game. The others took a back seat to their dance. 

He felt warm with Yeonjun’s eyes on him. Yeonjun produced a birdie. 

“You want this?” He said, lifting up a game piece. And presented it. Soobin was practically on his knees.

“My prince.” Soobin chirped. “I want that.”

Yeonjun looked like he did that night when they were alone. The way the chilled air made his skin flush, like the cold made him more honest. They let loose on the routine they knew so well, the comfortable back and forth. He stood beside Yeonjun at every opportunity, and their hands tapped each other, hidden behind the sleeves. It felt like it was real, that’s how they knew they’d done a good job.

And after that segment, lunch break began. They sat in a row of chairs inside the hanok, fairly high off the ground so the stylists would have to lean over for touch ups. They both went back to sitting separately. It was like whiplash from the outside, but they were used to it.

Yeonjun was streaming one of his playlists over the speakers. his hair was clipped up out of his face while he went to town on a bag of chips. An eyeshadow brush came Soobin’s way and he widened his eye on instinct as they traced his bottom lid. They crowded around a handful of space heaters.

“this isn’t your music, it’s nauseating,” Beomgyu said, looking up from his phone. He had a towel filled with heat packs tied around his neck. SHINee Sherlock was playing.

“It’s a playlist of every song we’ve covered,” Yeonjun replied.

Hueningkai sat up, “OMg link me!”

“No wonder it makes Beomy sick,” Taehyun laughed.

“Put it in the group chat,” Beomgyu said.

“This song!! We did it blindfolded and those first three turns we fell like dominos, bam bam bam bam and Yeonjun hit the floor,” Hueningkai exclaimed.

“I remember that!” Soobin mumbled through a mouthful of melon bread. Everyone exploded in excited chatter. They laughed, imitating the fall.

“I don’t know what you’re laughing for, that hurt!” Yeonjun said, but he was grinning.

“When you rewatch it, Soobin definitely started it. His steps when he closes his eyes are too big.” Beomgyu said.

“I’m tall. You’re welcome.” Soobin replied.

“Asshole.” Taehyun sneered. They laughed.

“Let’s try it again,” Beomgyu said. He whacked Soobin, “you can redeem yourself.” 

“What? No, I’m cold, I’m tired, it’s early. Stoppp,” but they were pulling him from his chair. He’s slinked off.

“It’ll warm you up.” Hueningkai said. 

“I don’t even remember Sherlock’s choreo.” Soobin complained. Ning was tugging on the long sleeve of his hanbok. 

“We’ll do New Rules, just the hard part.” Yeonjun said. 

Soobin glared at him, “why do you hate me?”

Taehyun, Beomgyu, and Soobin borrowed scarves from the staff. They tied them around their eyes. “Now be careful,” the staff said. But they were chaotic teenagers, unstoppable. Yeonjun monitored. Hueningkai pulled out his phone to record.

Yeonjun dragged each of them into position. The sound of their baji swishing as they stumbled around, laughing. Soobin fluffed his sleeves like wings flapping. “This is going to be a disaster.” He huffed, staring into the mess of woven pattern tied to his face.

“Okay from the second chorus.” Yeonjun said. He played the part on his phone and began singing when it was time for them to move. It was muscle memory until the transitions, bulky with their outfits but stable. And then the transition, “I’m trouble maker, let me go.”

Soobin dropped to the ground and stretched out both hands. He felt his ankle whack Taehyun’s leg. “Hold on, you put us closer together!” He complained. His feet caught under his baji, and the hard floor, cold and flush on the nape of his neck. 

Taehyun was stepping forward, somewhere between tripping on Soobin’s arm and stepping on it.

    

“na beolbadeulge ppeonhaedo,” _[Even though it’s clear that I’ll be punished]_

The treble of taehyun’s line came in shrill from Yeonjun’s phone. Soobin turned on his side, propped up one leg.

    “deo jjarithangeol wonhae,” _[I want something more exciting]—_

He felt the fabric of his outfit twist around him, the friction of floor. He threw his legs in the air. His feet caught on the swing. Collided into something.

The music continued on, but he couldn’t move.

    

“—gatta jwo  
neomji mallamyeon I want it  
haji mallamyeon I do it  
Stupid, but nan,”

_[—bring it to me  
If they tell me to not go over, I want it  
If they tell me not to do it, I do it  
Stupid, but I]_

His part started. He should have been standing. He could smell cloves and feel a hand on his ankle. It slid down the underside of his calf, hooked under his knee, “careful, careful, You’re gonna take someone out—“ he heard Yeonjun’s voice, unsteady and laughing. 

“I swear to god, if he hits me.” Taehyun said.

“I just saved you from it.” Yeonjun said. 

“What are you doing, those are rentals!” A stylist said, wandering in from across the yard, “you can’t get smudges on those!”

Beomgyu heard the stylist too late. He jumped up for the chorus, colliding into Yeonjun. Taehyun took his blindfold off and stepped back, “what a mess” he said. Yeonjun fell forward, staring through a mess of fabric, both their hanboks kissing the ground in rolling folds. Huening had Yeonjun’s phone, but didn’t pause the music. 

Yeonjun had steadied himself, his grip dropping with a grind, sliding over Soobin’s thigh. Soobin’s breath hitched, feeling Yeonjun’s hands press into him. He went stiff, heat coiling inside, knees pressed into his chest. Soobin took the scarf from his eyes and saw Yeonjun on top of him, hurriedly backing away. His ears were bright red, chewing his bottom lip.

“Sorry,” Yeonjun muttered. 

“It’s okay,” Soobin said, sitting up, his hair was a mess, tongue tracing his lip consciously. He closed his legs.

“Beomgyu, why didn’t you stop?” Yeonjun complained as Beomgyu ripped off the scarf around his eyes.

“I can’t see anything, how was I supposed to know? The music didn’t stop.” Beomgyu said, annoyed. He straightened his hanbok.

“You almost annihilated Taehyun, look!” Hueningkai excitedly handed his phone over. Soobin watched the recording. He, Beomgyu, and Taehyun were surprisingly in sync, moving gradually closer together as the chorus progressed. Then on the drop, Soobin’s legs flew right into Taehyun’s line. They would have collided on the spin. But at that moment, the camerawork went unsteady as Yeonjun threw his things at Huening and swept in to break things up. 

When Beomgyu came up for the chorus, it was like a domino effect once again. This was what Soobin felt, Yeonjun falling between his legs. He studied the recording with his heart caught in his throat. Yeonjun looked down quickly at his hands, and then stared at Soobin. Their hanboks made the contact appear so much closer. That and the hunger in his eyes. Seeing his profile of his lips slightly ajar, the hands sliding down the red baji, he thought of his dream, how they looked in the mirror, on the dance floor, kissing him.

Soobin was hard instantly. He clicked out of the recording and deleted it promptly, thankful that his loose outfit would hide the mess he was in.

“Why do you like watching us fail so much?” he said to Hueningkai, handing his phone back.

“Aah, You deleted it!” Hueningkai whined. 

“His legs are like helicopter blades. Taehyun, you should be thanking me. I saved your life.” Yeonjun laughed.

“Thanks, Hyung. Next time, I’ll monitor and you can take my place.” Taehyun replied.

“That got really suggestive just now, is that why you deleted it?” Hueningkai blurted out.

Yeonjun’s nostrils flared and Soobin sighed. Beomgyu and Taehyun looked up from their respective thoughts and descended on Huening immediately.

“Give us your phone,” Beomgyu ordered.

“Okay,” Hueningkai handed it over. They started scrolling through. 

“Where’s the video?” Taehyun said, thirsty for drama.

“Like I said, Soobin deleted it just now.” Ning said.

They groaned and handed the phone back. 

“So it was Soobin and someone,” Taehyun commented.

“Yeonjun, obviously. I didn’t do anything—” Beomgyu said. 

Soobin and Yeonjun looked at each other, then at the ground. Soobin finally stood, brushed the dust from his hanbok. Beomgyu helped pat him down in places he couldn’t see. One of the stylists scolded them. 

Then they started filming the final part, a cooking segment. And the last thing Soobin was thinking about was the food. He tucked his legs underneath himself, but he couldn’t stop twitching. Foot tapping unconsciously.

He knew it would be bad if Yeonjun got close, so he finished filming at as far a distance as possible. But the farther away Yeonjun went physically, the closer he was in mind. 

When they undressed, Soobin quickly swept up his change of clothes and hid in the bathroom. He pulled his baji off, in his bare legs and a pair of boxers. He was still nursing a semi. It swelled a bit, but was easy to ignore and shove down one pant leg. 

He thought about how much he wanted Yeonjun and he got harder. Tried to push the thought away. His pants were halfway up his legs when the door busted open. 

“Hey, did I leave my phone in here?” Soobin jumped when he heard the voice. He turned around. It was Beomgyu.

“Ever think about knocking?” Soobin sighed. 

“When have I ever knocked?” Beomgyu scoffed. He found his phone on the bathtub rim. “Found it!” He leaned in and grabbed it.

“You’ll get in trouble for that, by the way.” Beomgyu said, as he shut the door. 

“What?” Soobin panicked.

“Stepping in all of it. They’re rentals, you know.” Beomgyu shut the door. 

Soobin looked down and saw the hanbok crushed and wrinkled under his feet. He gave a long, aggravated groan, then finished getting dressed. 

They recorded a few parts of their next album, then the day was over. He slumped into bed, exhausted with himself. Breathed in his pillow, turned over. Beomgyu was in the shower. Just past 8pm, and he could hear the faint sound of car engines revving from the main road, the shower running, and Hueningkai and Taehyun mashing buttons on their game. 

Yeonjun knocked on the doorframe. He was wearing a vneck, mid-rise pants that nipped his waist. “Can we talk?” 

“Yeah,” Soobin said. He sat up. Yeonjun plopped down on the bed beside him. 

“Good work today,”Soobin began. 

“You too,” Yeonjun replied. “Can you believe we’re already finished promotion on the first album?”

“I know. This time next year, we won’t be a ‘new group’ anymore.” Soobin said.

“Good. I’m too old for shorts.” Yeonjun said. 

“I think they’re still putting us in shorts,” Soobin laughed, “You have nice legs.” 

“Then put me in tight jeans or something.” Yeonjun whined, “Don’t put me in— actually don’t make me dance in jeans either.”

Soobin snorted. “I think most of the job is just wearing uncomfortable things and trying to act attractive.”

“Honestly.” Yeonjun laughed. They sat in silence for a moment, the conversation hanging in the air.

“Sorry about today,” Yeonjun said, “...again.”

“It wasn’t even your fault,” Soobin laughed awkwardly. He was starting to heat up.

“I know you don’t like it on your legs. I’d never do anything you don’t like...” Yeonjun said.

“It’s really bothering you, isn’t it?” Soobin said, “Honestly, it’s fine.” 

“I’ve been thinking…” Yeonjun began. He bit his lip, and then resumed speaking, “I just don’t want you to end up hating me, or thinking I’m gross…” Yeonjun said. He was looking down at the bed, running his hands over the duvet. He always pouted his lips when he was deep in thought. How could anyone hate him with a face like that? 

“I don’t hate you.” Soobin blurted.He knew the job came first, he knew it was wrong, but he said it anyway. “I don’t...I don’t hate it when you touch me either.” 

Yeonjun looked into his eyes, stunned. He immediately wanted to disappear. Soobin swallowed hard. “You—” Yeonjun began. But he was interrupted.

Beomgyu and Hueningkai smashed into the room. 

“Beomgyu just stole my AirPods and used them in the shower.” Huening complained. 

“I literally didn’t know,” Beomgyu said. He had a towel on top of his head. 

“That’s not true! Last week, he told me if I got on his nerves, I’d regret it and now he is taking my things and putting them in water, my AirPods were in my room so I know—” Hueningkai could go on.

“Beomgyu, stop harassing Hueningkai.” Soobin said, inhaling slowly.

“Why is it always me?” Beomgyu retaliated. 

“Welcome to being an older sibling.” Soobin said. 

“Who showers with airpods in?” Yeonjun mumbled. 

“They work fine and we get as many as we want with the company.” Beomgyu replied. 

“What’s with the family meeting?” Taehyun yelled from the living room couch.

“They were just leaving!” Soobin yelled.

“This is my room??” Beomgyu said.

“Lets go, Ning.” Yeonjun said. “Talk later?” He whispered, tapping Soobin’s leg as he got up from bed.

Soobin’s breathing was shallow. He inhaled sharply. “Oh, yeah, sure.” Soobin said. 

Soobin kneaded his fingers into the bed, where Yeonjun has been sitting. He stared straight ahead with pursed lips. 

“Sorry if we interrupted...” Beomgyu said, slapping on his skincare. 

“It wasn’t important.” Soobin said. He laid back and considered playing a computer game, but his mind was too busy. 

They were friends, brothers even, but beyond that was unacceptable. Whatever they had was fake— faking was what made it professional. He knew the job came first. It didn’t matter how he actually felt about Yeonjun, because it could never be real. 

But a normal adult male wouldn’t want that attention. And it was clear Soobin liked it; it was clear he wasn’t normal. He’d spent his whole life chasing aesthetics and attention, not people. It wasn’t for him, liking people or crushes. Thoughts swirled, unbridled, until he eventually, inevitably ended at Yeonjun. 

It was 10 pm, the door was shut, and everyone was in their rooms. Beomgyu had headphones on, playing a pc game across the room. Soobin got under the covers, scrolling his phone in silence. 

He went to take a shower. Brought a change of clothes. When the hot water hit his skin, he couldn’t help himself. He ran his fingers through his hair, down his neck. Felt over his chest, his right nipple was what made him weak. He traced the inside of his leg, where Yeonjun has been. Teasing himself was always a little better in the shower, where the water buried some of the noise.

His backed up against the wall. So sensitive when he touched his cock that it beaded with precum. He moaned as quietly as he could, Imagining Yeonjun’s lips against his skin, the way he pouted when they pressed into flesh. The heat of his hands in the winter. His smell. 

Soobin looked down, water tracing the contour of his open lips. He could feel the tension inside firing him up, and the pang of the shower all around him. He wanted it to be Yeonjun’s heat on him. 

Soobin stroked himself thinking about how Yeonjun did it. If he would pull down his sweatpants halfway, holding in sounds of pleasure until they escaped as disconnected, muted gasps. He’d bite his lip to hold back and slow down when the sloppy sounds got too loud. Because the others were just outside his room. 

And then Soobin thought of Yeonjun’s hands on his thighs, pressing his knees to his chest. Stealing a kiss. He’d fuck someone like that, forcing their legs open. Meticulously, with his eyes and his fingers traveling every detail. Sweat would bead up, breathing shallow. But he’d roll his hips shamelessly, forcing it in deeper. His pupils would dilate, but his lips would hang low and delirious. He wouldn’t pull out in time.

Soobin’s back arched from the wall. His cock throbbed as he came. He wanted to cry, holding in his voice. His breathing was jagged. Toes curled in, like they always did. He threw his head back, grinding into his hand. He gripped the base as he came down, feeling lightheaded, shaking.

Imagining how he had sex was new. Soobin watched his cum wash away in one clump. He scrubbed himself all over, shampooed his hair. Brushed his teeth. Skincare on his flush face. His legs were numb. He felt horrible. 

Yeonjun had the door to his room shut, thankfully.  
Soobin dragged himself to bed, texted the group chat goodnight. In restless sleep he conjured the impossible endlessly: a night with Yeonjun, at the expense of all his dreams.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I'm so so sorry that I sent alerts to everyone while I edited the last chapter. I didn't realize and from now on, i'll only go back and edit previous stuff only when I've contributed a new chapter. 
> 
> Why the fuck did this chapter take so long? I have no idea. But now I have a whole plan, and I should be writing things much smoother, moving forward.
> 
> Canon notes: This chapter draws from To Do episode 3 and 4, filmed on a particularly cold day. It shares its name with a track on Soobin's 9/14/20 spotify playlist (Fools by Troye Sivan). I pulled from the weather records in Seoul and cross-referenced with Yeonjun's hair on V live to determine that the episodes were filmed in early December 2019. It was mostly likely filmed just after Soobin's birthday, as they were the coldest days in December. It shows a distance between Yeonbin that we don't usually see in other episodes (curious, right?). I tried to explain their dynamic in this chapter. 
> 
> I now have a mini timeline that descrambles the filming order for every To Do, T:Time, and MV shooting, using what I can find from weather records, v live, weverse selcas, and haircut/haircolor/root growth. I've become quite the detective trying to cleanup this headcanon, lol. This chapter alone required me to rewatch To Do Ep 3-4 around 4 times.
> 
> If this chapter isn't the escalation you expected, I'm sorry! December 2019 has a lot of slow-burn moments... but it will pay off by January ;). 
> 
> I need your help!! Please chime off in the comments who you think is a top/bottom, or if you want them to switch. It's kind of torturing me. Thanks so much for reading!!


	3. Can’t Sleep Love

If Soobin denied himself, he’d pay the price in his dreams. This time was in their trainee days again, when they’d had their first stylist consult. Yeonjun’s black hair, teased above his brow, those big, curious eyes. Bare faces and freshly clipped nails. 

Yeonjun’s hands straddled his hips, lips on his neck. Doe-eyed, the both of them, curled around each other. “Do you like it?” Yeonjun asked. His mouth was swollen from kissing. 

Soobin could feel it in the pit of his stomach. Butterflies like the time he first performed, freefalling from so high. “Hyung…We can’t.” Their instructors were right outside the door. Yeonjun wasn’t listening. 

He woke up suddenly. It was 3am. Another morning after, and Soobin had grown into the filth he felt. He got off until he was too tired to move, then slinked across the living room, to clean up. But the bathroom door wouldn’t open.

Yeonjun had woken up to steal the shower; he emerged in a towel, hair slicked back in faded teal. He jumped when he saw Soobin.

“Morning. You’re up early,” Yeonjun said.

“G’morning,” Soobin mumbled, curled up on the couch. He tried not to stare at the dew budding on Yeonjun’s bare skin.

Soobin took the bathroom, and when he emerged, the others were already awake. He had gotten dressed in the bathroom, something they hated because it took way too much time. At the foot of the bathroom was a package wrapped in thick gift paper and a wide ribbon. Taehyun, Beomgyu, and Hueningkai smashed into the doorway. Soobin dodged, scooping up the package as he went. 

“That’s from me,” Yeonjun said, he had dressed in square cut pants, a wide shirt. Crisp and wrinkle-free, contrasting his wild, fried hair. “For your birthday, I guess. I know it’s late.” 

Soobin started unwrapping it. Untied the ribbon, and handed it to Yeonjun to throw away. There was a card on top that read, “Keep warm. -Y.” And inside was a sherpa-lined jean jacket, in a deep, uniform blue. The stitching was all in white. 

“Wear it well,” Yeonjun said. He was playing with the birthday ribbon, twisting it between his fingers self-consciously. 

“Thanks,” Soobin replied. He tried not to look at those hands. 

The manager had already arrived. Helped them load into the car. Today was recording day.

As it always happened, by some luck or misfortune, he found himself at Yeonjun’s side. They made it to the company, sitting in the lounge area. Yeonjun and he were on the couch, while Taehyun and Hueningkai sat adjacent. They waited for individual recording sessions. 

Yeonjun’s arm was wrapped around him, fiddling with his earlobe while they reviewed their lines. Soobin leaned into the armrest. He bathed in Yeonjun’s cologne. They were mumbling vocal exercises, practicing runs. Yeonjun enunciated quietly, trying to perfect the rhythm of his verses. His lyric sheet was heavily notated, lips falling on every vowel with the rounding of his Cupid’s bow. 

He could feel the rush when Yeonjun touched him, even in the smallest way. Good thing he already exhausted himself that morning. 

A staff member cracked open the door, “The tech in studio C will take Yeonjun. And they’re ready for Soobin in B.” 

They both rose and went down the narrow hallway, parted ways at the black rooms. There was a music stand, filter, and mic, sitting in the center of 10x10 padded walls. A pair of headphones sat on the stand. Soobin took a deep breath and put on the headphones.

A man sat on the other side of a glass wall, seated in front of the mixing console. Farther in the back, Slow Rabbit was monitoring, a macbook open on his lap. The man at the mixing console spoke, “Hello there, I’m your recording tech for this morning. We will start with ‘Eternally.’ You have the second part of the chorus as a solo. Otherwise, we gave you the guided part for the lower-third harmony. Slow Rabbit will take over for ‘Can’t You See Me?’ after that.” 

“I understand.” Soobin said. He shook out his shoulders and tried to relax. There was the distinct smell of new plastic. He looked down at his lyric sheet, nodded when he was ready.

Eternally played through the first three bars. Then Soobin heard three beeps before the start of his part. The harmony to Taehyun’s part.

    “...jamgin nae maeum, guhaejweo, nal….gipeun got….bimillo” 

_[...My locked heart, Save me....the deepest...secret]_

He had one of the lowest voices of the members. In an all-tenor group, they often brought him in to get an earthier, fuller sound. He started the next part, his solo,

     “Don’t go, breaking my heart, Don’t go-” 

The music cut. He pulled back one of his headphones.

“We’re going to go again on that part. On ‘bimillo,’ you’re just a little bit flat.” the sound tech explained, “We’re looking for a dragging effect. Feel free to hold it all out, just a tad late.” 

“Okay, I’m ready.” Soobin said, putting his headphones on.

He re-recorded the same part. He reached for the note, hopefully landing a bit better. Tried to focus on elongating the melody, listening to Taehyun’s part for reference. This time, the recording kept running through his solo part.

    “Don’t go breaking my heart.  
Don’t go  
jogaknan sesang  
ichyeojin dure ilgi sok  
deryeoga jweo geu bimillo”  


_[Don’t go breaking my heart, don’t go  
This broken world  
In our forgotten diary  
Take me to that secret]_  


He felt like he at least nailed the run on “sesang.” But when the recording stopped, the tech was silent for a long while. He was busy at his screen. Then he turned back to Slow Rabbit, asking for advice. They toiled over the track, playing it back.

“Is something wrong?” Soobin asked.

Finally one of them spoke. It was Slow Rabbit, “Can you listen to Taehyun’s part and try one more time. The vibe just isn’t syncing up.”

Soobin swallowed consciously. He nodded. Slow Rabbit wasn’t even the producer for this track. The sound tech called for a second opinion, which was always a bad sign.

Soobin listened to Taehyun’s recording. His voice was still unfiltered, sharp and clear over a baseline like a thawing heartbeat. 

Then they played the recording they’d just made. Soobin monitored himself. They were right. It wasn’t that he was off-key. It just wasn’t the right feeling. Maybe a little too harsh. He was trying to troubleshoot it in his head.

They ran the part again. Soobin thought to get that peaceful, somewhat tortured sound, he needed to find the sweet spot between a whisper and projection. They ran it through his solo part. And when it was done, he waited impatiently for the playback.

On the playback, hearing his own voice, everyone could hear it wasn’t right. He asked immediately to record it again. And again. They tried splitting it and just recording his solo part.

And at the fifth time, Slow Rabbit chimed in, “Soobin,” when he spoke, it rattled Soobin’s already shattered nerves. His throat ran dry. “The concept is a bit different this comeback. It’s darker, not just slower, it’s … sexy.”

“I see that,” Soobin nodded. He wilted instantly, frustrated with himself and flustered.

“Now this is purely for the sake of helping to create a visual but,” Slow Rabbit continued, “Do you watch porn or anything? Been with a girl?”

Soobin faltered, blushing.

“Sorry, that was wrong. But I would just say, try not to rush it. And think of something sexy. You like Jin right? He always says Brad Pitt is his sexy inspiration.” Slow Rabbit joked. Soobin laughed half heartedly.

“Do you want to try again?” Slow Rabbit asked.

“Yes. I’m so sorry.” Soobin replied. Slow Rabbit gave way to the recording tech again.

Eternally began in the headphones. He listened the whole way through, feeling the dreamy, oscillating synths. He heard the three beeps, then he sang his part. When it played back, his heart sank.

They continued fiddling on the computer. The recording booth fell silent. Soobin put the headphones around his neck. He heard his own breathing, eerily clear in those soundproof walls. He waited painfully.

Slow Rabbit was helping the sound tech. They listened over and over. Then finally, the tech spoke, “We’re going to work with this, move some things around. And we will schedule you for a second session.” 

“Oh,” Soobin sighed, “Are we going to record, ‘Can’t You See Me?’”

Slow Rabbit wiggled into the mixing console and pressed the announcement button. “We have a lot to work with. And we’ve got to get the others in. Please don’t worry.”

“I understand. I’m so sorry.” Soobin replied. He stared down at the sheet in front of him, lyric notations scribbled out. He took his headphones off and bowed deeply. 

He made his way out the door, a bit crippled, knowing they were watching the back of his head as he left. How did they feel about him, after he wasted their time? 

He walked down the hall, stomach sinking like he wanted to cry. Wandered back into the waiting area. The others had been jostled around. Yeonjun and Beomgyu waited on the couch.

“Welcome,” Yeonjun said, eyes glued to his phone.

Soobin sat across from them in an armchair. Beomgyu was the first to look up. Soobin’s eyes were swimming, struggling to hide his distress. 

“What’s wrong?” Beomgyu said.

“It’s nothing,” Soobin said. 

Yeonjun put his phone down on his chest. Sat up when he realized what was going on. “Are you okay?”

“I got cut,” Soobin mumbled, “I bombed it.”

“What? You sounded fine to me just now.” Beomgyu said.

“That makes no sense.” Yeonjun said. 

“Did they say something?” Beomgyu asked.

“I had Bang PD, so he probably had Slow Rabbit in with him.” Yeonjun commented.

“I could tell. I didn’t give them what they wanted.” Soobin said.

“It always sounds different after they process it.” Yeonjun offered. 

“Yeah,” Beomgyu said. 

“Let’s hope,” Soobin replied.

He had already become fixated on the idea: he wasn’t sexy enough. Slow Rabbit bringing it up only threw salt on the wound. It’s not as if they hadn’t tested a dark concept in their trainee days. That fact made it even more frustrating. He just failed for no reason.

It sank into him. Followed him the whole day, while he waited like a chump on the others, struggling to find the resolve to even practice in front of everyone. And then the afternoon came, when the managers separated them. 

It was Sunday, and he’d been booked for inkigayo music show, A gig he desperately didn’t want to do. And Yeonjun was a co-host. The two of them piled into a car, with a stylist and a staff member. They drove a while, and all that time he looked out in a daze.

Well into December, and it still hadn’t snowed. People hurried by, dressed head to toe in black, brown, and down. hooded and zipped, scarfs and mitts. The car moved slowly through traffic, a winter sun, low in the sky. He caught the colors of the fading light through the forest of buildings.

[Are you okay?] Beomgyu texted.

[I’m fine] Soobin responded.

[U okay?] Yeonjun texted. 

Soobin looked up in the car. “I’m right here, why would you text me?”

“I don’t know, you were frowning and zoned out.” Yeonjun said.

[I’m fine, everyone can stop fussing] Soobin texted the group chat.

[Were you not fine? Did I miss something?] Taehyun replied. The chat went on like that and he closed his phone.

His thoughts landed on Yeonjun again, thinking there couldn’t be anyone sexier on the planet. His features had an unconventional allure. A sharp gaze, plump lips, a body that was so threatening and so inviting. If Soobin were honest, he’d been attracted to Yeonjun from the beginning. 

“Soobin, you’re recording again after inkigayo with the same sound tech.” a staff member updated him. 

“Okay,” he said. Everytime he caught himself thinking of Yeonjun. There it was again, the guilt.

Makeup and hair set to work as soon as they made it to the location. Wardrobe had arrived early again. And before he knew it, he’d been staring at his script for the evening, rereading it over and over. He retained nothing.

He sat on a couch beside Yeonjun, anxiously awaiting the role call. They were ready almost an hour early. Squeezed into a side room labeled “MC” with one staff member, a stylist and a T:Time filmer. The blinds were pulled on all the windows. 

Yeonjun had been playing with a star fringe earring on his left, wearing a plaid capelet with accents the same teal shade as his hair. They had widened his eyes with makeup, given him a pair of huge round, golden-rim glasses. His lips were so pronounced as he ran over the script, glossy and pink pouts with every word. They had somehow managed to transform him into something cute, magical, European even. It was somewhat baffling.

“You look nice,” Soobin said.

“You do too. I like your hair curly,” Yeonjun replied. He raised a hand to play with Soobin’s locks.

“EH!” the stylist scolded. Yeonjun put his arm down. 

The T:Time filmer had them go individually. Soobin looked at the camera and candidly said he was nervous. About acting cute for the MC segment, a convincing lie. Then they left him alone and started filming Yeonjun, standing against the wall.

Cute was Soobin’s specialty. This would be a no brainer. But he looked at Yeonjun and his mind went blank. He was captivated. And it was so much easier before, when they used to laugh through the job. Now it was just repeating a dream he could never make real.

He didn’t have time for any of it. Not with his confidence fading as it was. Nothing about him was professional. He tapped his foot on the ground nervously.

“Smile, smile!” Yeonjun’s voice interrupted his thoughts. He went for Soobin’s stomach, viciously tickling him. 

Soobin fell into the couch, holding back laughs. “Stop, stop,” he said, giggling. He took Yeonjun’s wrists, fought as best he could to hold back those hands. But he was quickly overpowered. Yeonjun jerked free. Soobin tried to cover his sides. Yeonjun pried him open, pinning an arm above Soobin’s head. His hands dove for the buttons of his jacket, wriggling through the caplet on top. Soobin felt Yeonjun’s fingers on his stomach and wailed, “No no no,” thrashing around.

Yeonjun laughed as he dodged Soobin’s knees. Soobin couldn’t stop smiling. His eyes were little slivers he could barely see through.This feeling was familiar, the proximity.

His hair teased up against the couch from messing around. And when he’d forgotten everything on his mind, laughing uncontrollably, succumbing to the torture, he looked at Yeonjun with half teary eyes. “Please stop,” he begged. Yeonjun panicked a bit. And suddenly they were aware of each other. 

Yeonjun had that deep gaze again, glasses sliding down the bridge of his nose. The light caught his star earring, twinkling against his cheek. The T:Time filmer has been rolling the whole time. Soobin was pinned to the couch, body flush against Yeonjun’s. They stared at each other for the longest time. The camera stopped rolling. 

“Sorry,” Yeonjun said, watching Soobin’s chest heaving, his neck and his hair, parted from his forehead, fallen around his face. 

“It’s okay,” Soobin’s mind ran crazy and his heartbeat was through the roof.

“What was it about earlier?” Yeonjun asked, helping him sit up on the couch.

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it.” Soobin replied.

“Really though.” Yeonjun said, “It’s upset you.” He wasn’t going to give up without getting something.

“I don’t know…” Soobin said. He played it off with a scoff, sort of mumbling his response. “He said the vibe was wrong...Asked me if I’ve ever slept with someone.” 

“He what?” Yeonjun exclaimed. Soobin shushed him.

“It sounds worse than it is-” Soobin began, but was interrupted.

“That’s not okay...it’s harassment.” Yeonjun whispered.

“No. No...” Soobin urged.

“This was Slow Rabbit?”

“I wasn’t sexy enough.” Soobin blurted out, flustered. The staff looked up from their phones. Yeonjun blinked. “He was trying to help me visualize...to be sexier.” Soobin lowered his voice.

“Oh…” Yeonjun said. He was blushing, and so was Soobin. 

“Well,” Yeonjun struggled to find something to say, “You’re recording again later, so...”

“Yeah, it will all work out.” Soobin replied.

They couldn’t stop staring at each other. He had traded one anxiety for another. As the stylist ran over, fussing over Soobin’s crinkled outfit and fuzzy hair, he fixated on Yeonjun. Watching him from the corner of his eye, while hands picked at his outfit. 

Soundcheck went on outside. They received their mics. The bass rattled the floor as they ran through songs and commercials. Soobin tried to shake it off. But Yeonjun stared at him hungrily, and he felt it every step of the way.

There was glitter and confetti lost in corners as they waited to go on. Prerecording was normal, but the hosting segment was always live. As they tested the spotlights, swirling a flurry of colors, the shining MC corner was dusted and swept. 

Soobin looked at Yeonjun in the shadow of the stage. Yeonjun flashed a confident smile. Those thoughts he shouldn’t have resurfaced. All this time they found together, feelings in limbo. What would happen if he showed how he really felt? The darkest corner could never contain the fantasies that swirled in his mind. Stealing kisses before they went on, disappearing together in one empty room, for fifteen minutes or forever. It was this unreasonable attraction, like a lifeboat keeping him afloat from a sea of crippling insecurities. 

They met their co-host again, Suzy. She was cute and small, dressed in their English theme with a Sherlock-like cape and pearl jewelry. 

And then they were placed on the stage. He looked at himself in the monitor, a black beret, cape blazer, pants - all bordered in a thick band of white trim. He was a picture of boarding school innocence. And he quaked like he had the inexperience too. He watched the teleprompter. Squeezed his mic. They placed Yeonjun and Soobin on opposite sides of each other, Suzy in the center. They went live, and Soobin kept staring.

Yeonjun tried not to meet his eyes. They both smiled, kept their distance. Soobin went through his lines. “I’m really really nervous to be an MC today.” He said, and he looked like it. 

Yeonjun mimed their introductory routine. He put up finger guns in the air, shot them, Soobin went down with a fake blow to the heart. Then they oversaw guest introductions. The program was only an hour long, but it felt like an eternity.

They bathed in the blue light of the stage. The crowd of fans cheered on cue. At each performance, the fanchants for each group were loud enough to project over the studio sound. Fans did this knowing that their cheering audio would be subbed for prerecordings anyway. They’d waited since the early hours of the morning, and still they had all that energy. Soobin would never understand. 

Finally, the broadcast finished. They spent all their time bowing, exiting last. Staff members immediately swarmed, catching their clothes as they shed them. Soobin threw away his stiff cape immediately. And when they made it back to the dressing room, he took off his blazer and his shirt. The hat came flying off with it. 

Yeonjun came in after him. He started to strip, threw off his glasses. Soobin eyed him, ripping his shirt from inside his pants, undoing his belt. It made Soobin’s heart do backflips. It was like a switch flipped and he couldn’t turn it off.

Yeonjun looked up from his belt. They stared at each other, the way they couldn’t during the broadcast. Yeonjun was looking at him in this seductive way. Like he wanted to ruin him. It made Soobin hot all over. The expression was just a flash, and Yeonjun tore his eyes away.

Their story was friends to flirting and back again, and the truth never mattered as much as the job. But Soobin could feel himself believing their dream over the reality. The version of things where Yeonjun wanted him just the same. Even when the cameras weren’t watching.

They loaded in the car to leave. The air was so charged, he felt paralyzed. The sun was setting by the time they got on the road. The engine purred and pooled clouds of exhaust in the traffic.

“We’re heading to the studio now for Soobin’s re-recording. Yeonjun, you can take a separate car to the dorm, once we arrive,” the staff explained. 

“I’ll stay over in the studio until he’s done.” Yeonjun said. They were sitting in the back, side by side. 

“Are you sure?” Soobin asked.

“Yeah, I have an idea I want to work on.” Yeonjun said.

“You don’t have to.”

“Don’t worry about it.” 

The SUV rocked like a spaceship as they sped onto the freeway. The overpass stretched to the south side, taking them where the Seoul skyline merged to meet them. The setting sun reflected off the skyscrapers, bathing the dying landscape in sherbet. 

When they reached the company, they quickly filed out of the car. A few fan sites waited, Yeonjun’s sasaeng since predebut; they were familiar, if unwelcome faces on most days. And of course, all manner of press and predator loomed in wait for BTS. Cameras snapped a few useless shots as Soobin escaped behind the body cover of staff.

They went through the glass doors, enveloped by heat. The modern lobby gave way to a hall. White walls turned to wood. Their steps echoed. The staff members parted ways at the break room. They’d wait there until the session finished. 

“The recording technician is on his way. You can wait in the studio lounge for him.” A staff member said.

“Thank you,” Soobin replied.

Yeonjun was in front of him, down that hallway lined with studio suites. They passed one of the lounges, and then the production studios. They entered the recording area. 

“Didn’t you say you were going to work on something?” Soobin said.

“I was waiting until we were alone. I had an idea actually. For your session,” Yeonjun said. Soobin stared at the back of his head, the nap of his neck peeking out from behind the drape of his hoodie. They made it to recording studio B. 

He went through the door, and Yeonjun followed him inside. “Why are you in here?” Soobin said.

“Take off your jacket,” Yeonjun said. He started to take his own off.

Soobin unzipped his coat and put it down. 

Yeonjun shut the door behind them and produced a long strip of ribbon from his pocket. It was the ribbon from Soobin’s birthday present. He held it in his two hands, brought it up to Soobin’s eyes. 

“What’s happening?” Soobin asked.

Yeonjun held the ribbon like a blindfold, “I’m not dancing or playing any games—“ Soobin complained. Yeonjun’s expression was blank, he wouldn’t make eye contact. And then the ribbon went over. He felt it tie. 

As soon as the blindfold was secure, Yeonjun pushed him. Soobin‘s back rode up against the wall. He exclaimed a bit.

Yeonjun muttered in Soobin’s ear, “I’ll help you.”

Soobin felt hands tracing the contour of his chest. Ripping open the first two buttons. Fingers playing on his collarbone. His entire body seized up with the feeling of skin against his. Another hand untucked his shirt. 

“Wait,” Soobin couldn’t believe what was happening. His mind was scrambled. He thought he should stop it, but he didn’t want to.

He knew whose hands they were. Soobin could picture his eyes all over, consuming. He felt the heat. Smelled Yeonjun’s cologne; amber and leather, spices. His heartbeat erratically. Yeonjun’s hands travelled down and Soobin took hold of his wrist, nervous, on instinct. But Yeonjun kept going. He slid down, and Soobin let go.

“Just think of your blondes,” Yeonjun whispered, velvety. 

Fingers pressed into Soobin’s hip. Yeonjun’s flat palm dragged down his pants, grinding. The friction was incredible, it made this electric feeling coil inside. And then Yeonjun grabbed his inner thigh. Soobin jolted, opened his eyes to a blindfold black. He was hard. He twitched all over, feeling Yeonjun wrack his hands slowly, back and forth between his legs. 

Soobin gasped, slipping into a moan. His voice came out desperate and crisp in the soundproof room. He bit his lip, the sound clipping off, trying not to crave it. His erection prodded into his zipper and pant leg painfully. Hot. His knees gave in a bit. 

Yeonjun came in closer. Soobin could feel the shallow breath on his neck — and something more than hands against him. The heat of lips traveling close, tension. The tickling of hair against his cheek. Almost close enough to taste. He felt hands kneading into him. 

Soobin leaned in eagerly. He reached out, his fingers sliding down Yeonjun’s back, hooking his belt loop. Then suddenly, Yeonjun yanked his waist and pinned him back against the wall. All contact stopped. Yeonjun took his hands off and stepped away. 

The blindfold came off. The thin piece of fabric slinked down his shoulders. They were both breathless. Soobin took in the sight. Yeonjun, flustered and staring at the ground. His crimped teal hair covered his eyes. He ran a finger over his lip consciously. 

“Try now,” Yeonjun panted, gesturing to the mic. 

Soobin stared, dumbfounded. He blinked several times, stood up from the wall, shirt half undone, so hard that his cock strained and throbbed. “You can’t be serious-- I can’t sing right now.”

“Trust me,” Yeonjun replied. He opened the door.

“You can’t just leav-?!” Soobin watched him walk out the door. Yeonjun returned with the sound tech from the lounge. They were on the otherside of the recording booth.

Soobin grit his teeth and took the headphones. With a company member watching, he tabled his emotions as much as he could.

“Good evening. Slow Rabbit wants to be here for ‘Can’t You See Me?’ So we will pick up with Eternally. Re-record your solo and some adlibs.” the recording tech began, but Soobin only heard Yeonjun, his expression so loud, the scent of him lingering. 

Soobin nodded. The song started. The baseline, a heartbeat. He didn’t know what just happened, what it meant. Yeonjun looked at him, and it was tantalizing. A panel of glass between them. A music stand hiding all the things they’d done, all the things Soobin couldn’t shake. His heart raced. He heard the three beeps. “Don’t go breaking my heart, Don’t go..” he sang without thinking, breathed it really.

And on the playback of his solo, it was perfect. 

“That was great! Wow.” The tech said. Yeonjun clapped, a fist clenched in satisfaction. 

“Really?” Soobin said in dismay.

“This is worlds better than where we were this morning.” the tech replied, “Let’s keep going.” 

They continued with the next part. He recorded everything asked with ease. The tech swayed his head with excitement after every vocal clip set. Soobin stole glances, just to make sure Yeonjun was there. Several takes, just to be sure, and then the tech chimed, “I think we’re done. You did well today.” 

Soobin quickly left the studio, frustrated as anyone would be, in all the ways one could be. He had no idea how that worked, if it was just coincidence, if it was a game. He still couldn’t believe he’d been touched like that. He saw Yeonjun leaving at the same time. They stepped into the hall. This was his chance to come clean. 

“Yeonjun, I--” 

“See it all worked out.” Yeonjun interrupted. 

“What?” Soobin was bewildered.

“I’m glad I could help you visualize.” Yeonjun said. “What did you say before? Big boobed blondes and things you shouldn’t think about -- Just use that imagination and you’ll be fine.”

“Oh,” He pursed his lips. He hesitated. Everything was throbbing and his reason was muddled. He was afraid. He wasn’t brave enough.

“Here. Thank you,” Soobin said. He handed Yeonjun the ribbon. The tension of their fingers touching on the exchange. Nearly two years since they committed to this, and Soobin was still following Yeonjun’s lead.

Soobin’s eyes were red, sensitive and overwhelmed. Every part of him ached. They locked eyes. And after a bit of delay, Yeonjun mumbled, “If you need help again…” he looked down, flustered, “Just let me know.” 

Soobin swallowed and nodded. 

They had broken all the rules. They’d made a promise to break them again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi again! Missed that one week mark, but a bit faster than last time. Happy Belated 22nd birthday to Yeonjun~ 
> 
> Canon Notes: This chapter draws from 12/08/19 Inkigayo, with Yeonbin as guest MCs (in which Soobin literally cannot stop looking at Yeonjun for some reason lol). The 02/09/20 T:Time episode reveals backstage Yeonbin, and also shows Beomgyu, Taehyun, and Hueningkai watching the inkigayo segment (and Hueningkai comments that Soobin looks very nervous). The chapter is titled "Can't Sleep Love," which shares its name with one of Yeonjun's tracks on the "Playlist of my Life" for June 2019 Teen Vogue (Can't Sleep Love by Pentatonix). The scent of Yeonjun's cologne is based off of his birthday vlive last night (09/13/20), where Hueningkai gave him Allure by Chanel as a present. On Dec 12th Vlive, Soobin mentions a jacket that Yeonjun bought him for his bday. On the same day via Weverse, Yeonjun mentioned that the group had already begun recording their new album, Eternity - I'd assume production began as soon as they finished their last live performance of Magic at Mama. In reality, these three chapters span less than a week!! Phew, the boys are so busy. 
> 
> Edit: I found out the boys were likely recording in Japanese for December. Yeonjun mentioned receiving the demo for Puma while in Japan, which sets back the recording timeline for Eternity all the way into January (5/27/20 T:Time). The true canon would have Soobin recording MAGIC tracks in Japanese, but I feel that "Eternally" fits the vibe of this chapter better, so I won't change it. I made a mistake, sorry!
> 
> I've decided to make them switches, thank you for all the input last chapter. We've been going slow burn hours and I hope you'll hold out a little while longer. Let me know how you liked this chapter. Thanks for reading!


	4. Don't Get Any Closer

There was a video Yeonjun used. Soobin’s crying face, just after debut. Tears spilling from his swollen eyes, the camera looking down at him from above. His dewy lips, like the rounded chirping of a bird, the desperate way he took in air. Soobin’s face was mesmerizing. His laugh was a whole-body thing, disheveled and honest and kaleidoscopic. Yeonjun wanted to ruin it.

Yeonjun touched himself. He slid down from the tip, slick as the precum spread over his shaft. Messy. But he liked to move. On his bed, knees pressed to the mattress, pillow smothering his cock. He rattled the bed slightly, thrusts subdued and breathing shallow.

He watched his phone, thinking about stuffing Soobin’s mouth, his plump lips, making him cry. Yeonjun fucked his pillow, rolling his hips. Pushing into Soobin, the strain, the tension inside his throat. What it felt like to pin him against the wall. The inside of his thighs, the way he twitched, the heat of his skin. Soobin whining —it’d made him so hard. 

Yeonjun moaned when he came, biting his lip so the noise wouldn’t carry. He bucked, riding it out, imagining Soobin’s face. He felt the friction, the sticky, sloppy heat of his cum on the pillow, on his cock. 

He unraveled in his bed, laid there for a minute to catch his breath. When he stood up, he saw something flicker out of the corner of his eye. Through the blinds, a bright industrial light beamed. It bounced back and forth, screaming for attention. 

He didn’t have to go to the window to know who it was. His sasaeng had been flashing lights into the dorm ever since their debut showcase. When they moved, she found them again. 

He closed his blinds to block out some of the light. Threw his sheets in the laundry. Then he showered. As the water ran over his eyes, flowed down on his lips, he felt that familiar pang of guilt. 

He dried himself off, wrapped himself in his towel. A damp cloud wafted out of the shower. He found the ribbon in the pocket of his sweats. 

When he emerged, it was 4am, and Soobin was already up. He pretended to snooze on the couch, waiting for the shower.

“Oh, hey.” Yeonjun said. His heart fluttered uncontrollably.

“Morning,” Soobin replied. His bedhead was adorable.

“Up early again.” Yeonjun commented. 

“Yeah, you too.” Soobin said.

It wasn’t the first time they were alone since it happened. He got off so he wouldn’t go too crazy, actually. 

“Need help again?” Yeonjun asked. Soobin shyly nodded. That was the only reason he’d be up.

Yeonjun dragged him into the bathroom. He walked forward, Soobin walked back. Then the blindfold went on. 

Yeonjun felt Soobin’s body, how tense he was, how he shuddered. Giving in to every sudden touch. On the outer side of Soobin’s legs, there was a strange texture just under his pants. He realized it was KT tape. He stopped short.

“Does it hurt? We don’t have to.” Yeonjun said.

“Ignore it,” Soobin breathed. 

The last bits of water went up with the steam. Yeonjun dragged his hands over Soobin’s hips, pushed him against the sink. The soft flannel of his pjs, sliding his palm flush against the inside of his thighs.

He hung on Soobin’s every sound, the hitch of a breath or the smallest whine. He liked it on his thighs, so much that he’d buck involuntarily, following the line of pleasure, arching into Yeonjun’s hand until the very last moment.

Yeonjun could see them in the mirror. Soobin curled desperately around the hand between his legs, bracing the counter. His eyes covered, but not his mouth. Breathing heavily, the sound of anticipation on his lips. 

Yeonjun tried not to lose himself. He was so turned on. Playing with Soobin through his clothes, over his chest, over his waistband. Close enough to see his erection, to press up against him, to breathe him in. It was tantalizing.

They heard an alarm. Taehyun’s — he was always up by the second snooze. And their time was up. Yeonjun tore himself away, helped Soobin untie the blindfold, revealing eyes so tortured and filled with lust. Yeonjun couldn’t look.

“They’re not up,” Soobin panted. His voice was a low rumble. Yeonjun thought he would burst.

“I don’t want them to see us,” Yeonjun said, but every part of him wanted to be caught. Soobin wilted a bit, casting his eyes toward the ground.

Don’t ruin it. Don’t give him a reason to run. Yeonjun cleared his throat, gathered his clothes from the ground. Soobin started the shower again. At just past 4:30, Yeonjun carefully snuck out of the bathroom. He ran across the hall to his room, clothes balled in one hand, towel holding on by the last twist at his hip. Taehyun and Hueningkai were up 10 minutes later. 

It had been like this for a while. The blindfold was a bullshit excuse. He had no idea what Soobin got out of it. Maybe he was just a bit curious. Maybe he really could imagine a girl; whatever the case, it was a paper thin veil of deniability. So they didn’t have to confront whatever was growing between them. 

In his calculation, Yeonjun was a dreamer. He always had to look forward to something. In a simpler time, that something was building his career. Since the day they met, it was Soobin. And although he’d resolved his feelings, Yeonjun could never keep them in check. 

By his own admission, he messed up. Yeonjun knew it was what cowards did. Pinning every flirtation on their status as the romantic pair, putting his hands on Soobin just to turn around say it was about work. Things now were unbelievable; he knew it was bad, but he’d never stop it. Yeonjun felt as though he were on a roller coaster. On the edge of uncertainty, falling from so high, only to come back to the start.

When the others had woken up, things were just where the blindfold had left them. Soobin was dressed, staring at his phone, blow-dried hair that was still a bit damp; the impressionable, if indecisive spare. Yeonjun sat beside him on the couch; the friendly, impulsive flirt.

They were told the schedule was cleared in the afternoon. It was a rushed attempt to gain hours on their Golden Disk performance. Between multiple mid-december shows, recording in Japanese, and filming To Do, it seemed like an afterthought. Even when the performance was in 4 days.

They were headed to a photoshoot that morning. @star1 magazine had a studio somewhere deep in the forest of downtown highrises. The feature would be a February issue, key concept: heartthrob. And they booked New Years Eve to shoot it. 

This was their third magazine shoot ever. They arrived on a messy set with shoes piled against the entryway, house plants crowding every free space. The studio walls, at least twenty feet high, were lined with white backdrops and drywall. 

Loud music blasted while editors, designers, staff and photographers crowded around inspiration photos taped to the wall. All windows were covered except for this inspiration corner, where the scent of coffee mixed with the sleepy view of a chilled December Seoul.

They bowed, took off their coats. Staff members set them up, each at their own vanity. Hueningkai was babbling about a bat virus with Taehyun. Beomgyu was on his phone. Soobin complained about the cold. 

Yeonjun was in sky blue and white, slacks and a billowing ruffle shirt. The dressy-casual wardrobe was unexpected. But he supposed “heartthrob” meant romance novel this time.

He fiddled with the ruffles on his shirt. Then Soobin emerged from the dressing stall in a silk regency shirt, white with a high, pleated collar, cummerbund, and a pair of black suspenders, nothing short of a fairytale picture. He played with the suspenders, sliding his fingers up and down, a thin silver earring swinging with every move he made. Yeonjun was hypnotized.

Soobin caught him staring. Yeonjun cleared his throat, “You look nice.” Probably the millionth time he’d dropped that line. The only phrase he could muster at times like these, when he casually wanted to scream.

“You too,” Soobin said, flustered, gripping his suspenders and turning round. 

The small of his waist just slightly cinched, his ass in those slacks. Yeonjun looked at him hungrily. It was different since their arrangement, much harder to keep his fantasies at bay. He pushed it back as best as he could. 

After individual sessions, subunit shoots were next. Hueningkai and Taehyun were shot separately. Yeonjun stood beside Beomgyu and Soobin for final touch ups.

“You’re awfully tall, aren’t you?” The photographer commented, once he’d lined up Yeonjun and Beomgyu beside Soobin.

“I’m sorry,” Soobin replied nervously. 

Everyone laughed. “No no, it’s a good thing. Could you move here?” 

The photographer laid Soobin out, posed with his suspenders riding up. 

“Um...It’s bunching up my shirt,” he laughed softly. Stylists swooped in and loosened it for him. Yeonjun watched him all the while, the way he glowed when he was bashful.

“Now if you could lay on Yeonjun’s leg.” The photographer said.

Soobin laid back. It was hard not to imagine where they’d been that morning, the last time Yeonjun had found himself that close. It was honestly a miracle that he managed to keep things separate at all. Soobin, the prince, the very same boy that had been whining underneath him just hours earlier, swollen face, all dressed down. When Yeonjun thought of that, it made him hot all over.

They posed. He could feel Soobin’s weight on his lap. There was a monitor far above, facing the set, where Yeonjun could see the camera feed. All of them sprawled out on the floor, Beomgyu at his back, Soobin on top of him. He should have been checking his angles, correcting himself for the next photo. But instead he stared at Soobin. 

“Yeonjun.” He thought about the steam from Soobin’s lips the night of his birthday. The view on that floor was so much better than any glistening skyline. 

“Yeonjun!” Back then, Yeonjun thought about kissing Soobin. The sound of his own heartbeat and that thought, so loud it made him dizzy. 

“Yeonjun, he’s trying to talk to you,” Beomgyu’s voice finally broke through and Yeonjun sat up. 

“Huh, oh, I’m sorry,” he said, confused, “What was that?”

“Could you try lifting your leg? We want Soobin’s face more toward the camera.” The photographer said. 

“Oh. Yes,” Yeonjun said, adjusting his leg. They tried the shot a few more times. 

They had him put his hand on his leg for even more lift. He felt the tickle of Soobin’s hair against his fingers. They tried the shot again. It didn’t take. Finally, they had Soobin prop himself up on one hand. 

They took a lunch break soon after. Soobin got up first, lifting himself just over Yeonjun’s lap. They looked at each other. Longer than appropriate. Then Yeonjun left for his interview segment.

When he returned, they led him up a narrow wooden staircase, down a hall, to an area with a food spread and some seating. He was given his afternoon portion and a Starbucks frappe. It was typically iced coffee, but they treated him for the holiday.

There was no way he could eat in his current getup. Yeonjun went to the dressing rooms, makeshift cutouts with curtains, somewhere in the back corner of the studio. He slid into one of the cubicles and tugged the curtain over for extra measure.

When Yeonjun turned around, Soobin was standing right in front of him. 

“Oh, hey I’m sorry,” Yeonjun said.

“Hey, no it’s okay,” Soobin replied.

“Sorry,” he repeated, “I was just changing so I could eat,“ Yeonjun began.

“I’m changing back actually,” Soobin replied. “I was just leaving anyway.” He was flustered, one hand on the undone button at his collar.

“I’ll just go to the other one…” Yeonjun began to back out. His hand was against the curtain. 

“Oh no, I can just go now,” Soobin said. He snagged the last thing on his wardrobe hanger, his suspenders, hurriedly clipping them in the front.

“They’re lopsided, don’t rush,” Yeonjun laughed.

Soobin turned to look in the mirror. He sighed and unclipped them. “I can just get the staff to do it,” He said, trying to pass.

“With how tall you are, that would be unfortunate.” Yeonjun stood in front of the curtain. He took the suspenders from Soobin’s hands, brushing his fingers deliberately as he went.

Soobin looked at him and gulped. Yeonjun stepped forward, he staggered back. 

“They’ll see,” Soobin said weakly, his breath hitched.

“Don’t worry,” Yeonjun said. He thought about things he shouldn’t. He chewed his lip, took the suspenders, pulled the strips over Soobin’s chest, clipped them to the front. Yeonjun devoured Soobin’s every detail. 

“I’m helping with just the suspenders this time.” He smirked. Soobin blushed, probably thinking he’d made a fool of himself. It was fun to watch him squirm. So close he could feel breathing on his bangs. They could hear the crowd in the other room, the reverb of the music on blast. 

Soobin turned around, back facing him. As the suspenders went up over his shoulders, the straps converged into one piece, then split into two clips at the very end. Yeonjun stretched the garters down, clipped them. They were a razorback strap, burrowing into the soft white of his shirt.

He stared at Soobin’s back, thinking only of what he’d do. Thought about the ribbon in his pocket. Two pairs of feet peeking out from under the curtain. He imagined how easy it would be. To take the blindfold out. To tie it. To see Soobin, waiting in anticipation for that first touch, the one he never saw coming. Yeonjun’s heart raced. A vivid daydream. Taking him from behind, Feeling him greedily. Hips flush against Soobin’s ass, reaching forward and brushing his legs open. Soobin would brace the wall. The inside of his thighs so warm. 

Yeonjun’s cock twitched through his pants. What would it feel like? Being inside Soobin, grinding into his ass, stroking him until his legs gave out. They would never stay quiet. He could already hear Soobin’s hushed moans. He wanted it; to be the only one to hold him in secret. 

“I think I got it,” Yeonjun said. 

Soobin turned to face him. 

“Thanks…” Soobin said, this longing spilling from downcast lashes.

Yeonjun stayed back to change. He unbuttoned his shirt. It slinked down his shoulders. Soobin watched him in the mirror for a brief moment. And then he left, drawing the curtain behind him. 

Soobin emerged in front of Hueningkai, who screeched loudly. A distressed quack really, like the tackless bird he was. 

“Did you just—but someone else is—-“ Hueningkai gestured wildly.

“He just helped with my clothes.” Soobin explained, voice wavering.

“It’s Yeonjun. OMG,” Hueningkai responded.

“Stop.” Soobin sighed, walking out of earshot. Their voices faded out.

In his remaining time, Yeonjun scarfed down food. He sipped his drink, mulling over his decision, his fantasies. 

If Yeonjun were honest, he hadn’t done it because he was scared. He knew all the reasons to run. They hung in the air, unspoken. Yeonjun wasn’t naive. He knew Soobin was a tourist; so indifferent and eager to please that he could be roped into almost anything. There wasn’t a real way of knowing how he felt about it. 

He put his shirt back on. The making-of camera wandered around as they finished the shoot. After the group interview, they travelled back to the company for rehearsal. 

They stretched on the floor of the practice room. Yeonjun had changed into black sweatpants and a t-shirt. He worked on his front split as people filtered in. Everyone dressed oversized and casual. Soobin pressed along the lines of the KT tape, massaging his leg. 

The instructor and backup filled the room. “The last practice of the year!! Aren’t you excited?” the teacher yelled as he walked in. Yeonjun gave a half-hearted laugh.

They reviewed New Rules and 9 and Three Quarters.

“You want to spread out. GDA is a big stage, so just make sure you’re not bunched up.” The instructor said. He ran the music. They went through the songs, focusing on the steps, pacing, trying not to run into anyone in the back. For Yeonjun, he was always concerned about his isolation. Every detail could be thrown off, if he didn’t get to his place in time. But he wasn’t the worry when it came to dance. He could practice until he dropped and be happy about it.

After the first hour, the instructor went back from the top. 

“So for this next one, I want everyone to go all out. Give me what you’d give for the day of. Except for Soobin, Soobin give me 85%. Don’t blow out your kneecaps.” Their instructor laughed.

Soobin panted, one hand on his back, the other giving a weak thumbs up. The amount of sweat made it obvious that he was in pain. There was a lot of squatting in New Rules, particularly in the second half. The music dulled the sound of their shoes sliding on the floor. 

It was workable, especially with three days left. They were told the final routine would include a prop of some sort, and that they’d receive more details at future practice sessions. And finally things began to wind down. Yeonjun stared at the ground. His muscles felt like they’d explode, eyes strained and dry. He picked at the groove of the floorboards, somewhere between numbness and excruciating pain. The members slumped along the back wall, in various states of fossilization. The backup dancers broke off for the day. As they said their goodbyes, Soobin met with the instructor.

“It goes one two three four, really fast, you spin. One two three four, cutting in, cut, cut, five six seven eight. So, one two three four, five six seven eight.” the teacher said, demonstrating the transition. 

Soobin’s shoes skidded across the floor as he followed along. Then the choreographer watched him repeat it alone. 

“There, you feel that? It’s better that way, when you keep your arm in. Try not to drag,” the teacher said.

Soobin repeated the sequence a few times, loosely. Sweat poured down his cheek. His movements echoed in the practice room.

Beomgyu and Hueningkai flanked him on either side while they practiced the sync up. The cue came and Soobin struggled to get his legs high enough. Yeonjun monitored. 

Soobin moved to the center. Each time his legs bent, he struggled to straighten them back out. His movement became more and more rigid. 

“Still a little slow right there at the beginning. Much better on the arms though.” Their teacher commented.

They went again. Soobin made minor corrections, but it was clear that his legs hit a plateau. The others fell back again, and the instructor stuck with him, indulging every request.

“Don’t push yourself too much,” the teacher said as he watched Soobin struggle to squat down for a part of the dance. Soobin looked discouraged.

“Look, I think you’re more than capable of getting through the performance. But don’t be greedy. If you keep pushing for more than you can do right now you know — it’s like, you have to be thinking about worst case, if you push yourself there may be no performance at all.” Their teacher explained. Soobin nodded, panting as he listened. 

“If that’s everything, there is one thing I wanted to see about, Soobin. With your legs, it’s very important that we make sure you can do it.” the teacher said.

“Yes?” Soobin asked, haggard.

The teacher went to his things on the table. He produced a basketball out of a large duffle. 

“Since you’re the tallest, we’re going to have you dribble this between your legs.” the teacher said.

“Dribble? For what?” Soobin said.

“The performance.” the teacher said. 

Everyone in the room sat up.

“We’re using basketballs? That’s the prop?” Taehyun asked.

“Well, we’re thinking about it. It’s not choreographed yet.” the teacher replied. 

Soobin took the ball and started dribbling it regularly. Then he bounce it underneath and immediately lost it behind himself. It rolled all the way to the wall. He went after it.

“Soobin and sports. I can’t wait to see how this turns out.” Beomgyu said sarcastically. 

“Well, if you can’t dribble it, your limbs are long. You can just pass it back and forth underneath you.” The teacher suggested.

Soobin did as told. After retrieving the ball, he got his legs as far down as he could, then he put the ball between his legs and passed it back and forth, carefully.

“That’s it. Get as low to the ground as possible and kind of toss it.” the teacher said.

They all monitored Soobin in the mirror. It looked awkward and low for a dribble, but still the illusion was there. 

“Does that hurt?” the teacher asked.

“It’s manageable.” Soobin replied.

“Great, we can work with that. Practice it.” the teacher said. “Well, I think that’s all for today. We’re in a good place. Just rest up.” He put on his coat, grabbed his scarf, “Until after new years then.” 

Everyone hauled themselves off the floor to bow, “Thank you for the lesson.” 

“Thank you, stay warm,” Soobin said, bowing.

The teacher took his leave.

Soobin immediately collapsed on the floor. The rest dispersed for the break room. “You okay?” Hueningkai asked as he passed. Soobin shooed him away. Yeonjun went out, grabbed two drinks. He found Soobin in the corridor, rolling up his pants, legs splayed out on the floor. 

Soobin tensed, gently pressing out his kneecap. Two pieces of KT tape ran up his quad, disappearing beyond the fold of his pants. He started picking at the edges, ripping it up. He winced. Yeonjun sat beside him.

“I think I’m just going to get rid of it. It’s not working.” Soobin said. 

“It’s not the tape’s fault. You know you shouldn’t mess with it.” Yeonjun said. He put their drinks down.

“I just want it off.” Soobin said, anxiously peeling the tape back. It clung to his skin stubbornly. Soobin was always like this when things weren’t quite right. He projected his dissatisfaction into everything. Yeonjun called it fussing. He gritted his teeth, watching Soobin’s skin rip away with the tape.

“Stop, hold on,” Yeonjun said. 

He grabbed a bottle of baby oil from his bag, brought it over. He sat on the ground. 

Yeonjun doused the tape, Soobin flinched. He’d done this a million times on himself and the others, it was like clockwork. “You should do it right, or it will take your skin off.” Yeonjun said. 

“It’s cold.” Soobin complained. He bent his legs.

“Get your pants,” Yeonjun said. He spread the oil along the line of the tape. Soobin rolled up his pants and held them there. Yeonjun kneaded it all in, letting the fiber soak. Like this, they could always return to how it was before. Like turning back time on a clock, or perhaps just imagining it out of existence — that world behind the blindfold never mixed. 

Soobin groaned as Yeonjun pinched his legs. Massaging it, Yeonjun could tell how wound up the muscles were. They were hard as rock.

“You should really stay off this,” Yeonjun said. He spread the oil around, kneading while he waited for the tape to dampen.

“He tells me to practice, then says to rest up,” Soobin said, “Which is it?”

“It’s dumb. Don’t practice anything. It matters more that you’re as healed as you can be.” Yeonjun replied.

“After our Vlive, I’m going to keep practicing,” Soobin said, cold sweat kept pouring down his face. 

“I really don’t think that’s a good idea.” Yeonjun replied. Soobin continued to groan, melted into the floor as Yeonjun worked him. 

“I’m fine. I know my own limits.” Soobin said sternly.

Yeonjun hesitated, but said it anyway, “If you knew your limits, your leg wouldn’t be like this.” 

Soobin gritted his teeth and looked away. 

Yeonjun waited for him to speak, hand idly traveling up. Soobin’s breath hitched. A sharp moan slipped out. He went stiff, catching himself off guard. His voice echoed. 

Suddenly Yeonjun became aware of what he was doing. The light, slippery oil he spread between Soobin’s legs, snaking up over his hip bone, under his clothes, all over his skin. 

Yeonjun was thinking irrational things. His heart was going crazy. “Did I hurt you?” 

“It’s fine,” Soobin said. He was conflicted and flustered, his brow all in a knit. He’d probably lost his train of thought, because he stared at the ground with this unconscious look, bare and heated. A suffocating allure. Like night and day from his soft, resting features. 

Yeonjun chewed his lip, trying to contain it. They were in the middle of the hallway. He looked over Soobin slowly. Couldn’t help himself.

He grabbed Soobin by his waist. Leaned in. Traced the inside of his thighs, got them slick and messy. Soobin gasped. The feeling of his bare skin. The smell of sunshine and sweat on his neck, so close to tasting. Yeonjun wanted to ruin him, so irrationally horny that he couldn’t think. The rush was incredible.

He forced Soobin’s legs open wider, falling down, watching him squirm. His voice mounted, diminished moans, holding it all in. Yeonjun heard it all. His heart skipped a beat. He looked into Soobin’s eyes, so close to marking him, stripping him, taking him on the floor and never letting him leave.

“What the actual fuck—“ they heard a voice and jumped. Beomgyu stepped out from the lounge, a far way down the hall. Soobin closed his legs.

Yeonjun’s mind scrambled for a moment. “Calm down, I’m helping him with his tape.” Yeonjun said nonchalantly. He tried to hide his uneven breathing. Soobin was petrified. 

“Oh...well it looked questionable from here.” Beomgyu replied.

“Go on,” Yeonjun said to Soobin, “Let me take them off.”

Soobin timidly opened his legs. He eyed Yeonjun the whole time, peeling back the tape. It came off like a damp towel, tacky all the way to the last crease in his hip. Yeonjun rolled it between his fingers and went to toss it in the trash. He was painfully aware of his erection; almost as much as he was aware of Soobin’s gaze, burrowing into him with eyes like a wounded puppy.

“Oh, I’m supposed to say, they want to go over the vlive with us in the lounge.” Beomgyu said. Yeonjun stood up and offered his hand. Soobin brushed it off, looking at the ground in frustration. Then he got up.

“We can practice early tomorrow,” Yeonjun said.

“Yeah.” Soobin snipped. He walked to the locker room for a shower. Yeonjun was too tired to indulge him. He walked with Beomgyu to the lounge. 

“What’s all that about?” Beomgyu asked. 

“Don’t ask.” Yeonjun replied.

The broadcast would be a New Years countdown. With BTS over in New York, they didn’t have to worry about people filtering into the artist lounge. Staff were few and far between on holidays - really only drivers and security. The had one staff member with them. In short, no one was around. Past the kitchen, the dining table, a bookshelf and the massage chair, they settled in the blue L-shaped couch at the back. Set up a static cam on the coffee table. 

They were fighting over the two blow dryers in the lounge. Yeonjun threw on a grey hoodie. Ten minutes before they went on, Soobin came back from the shower. He’d rinsed himself off, changed into a black hoodie and skinnys. He gathered the tassels of his hood and tied them. 

Yeonjun was on the couch. Soobin on the other side. Beomgyu took the dreaded place between them, while Taehyun and Hueningkai were on the ground. 

“Is he pissed?” Beomgyu whispered.

“Dunno.” Yeonjun said. 

They checked the visual in the ipad. Made sure all 5 of them were crammed into the shot. The tension in the room was suffocating. Everyone knew Soobin wasn’t in a good mood. But they started the broadcast, had to get it over with. 

Soobin was visibly distant. It took a few moments for him to cue the group introduction.

“One, Dream. Hi, we are Tomorrow x Together.” They all said.

“Everyone, there’s 15 minutes until New Years. We’re on Vlive to meet with MoA.” Beomgyu took the lead. He put his arms around Yeonjun and Soobin, shook them anxiously. Yeonjun smiled awkwardly. His eyes kept darting back to Soobin, who barely concealed his emotions behind a bored smile.

“It got really cold from yesterday,” Beomgyu continued. Talking about the weather was a cry for help. Everyone jumped in. “It’s really cold.” “Right?”

“Yeah today is the coldest day of the month. It’s ten or eight degrees below freezing. It was so cold. I was shivering.” Soobin added. 

Everyone continued to talk about the weather. Yeonjun felt Beomgyu messing with his earring. It was an indication to contribute. Beomgyu said something about MoA staying warm. Yeonjun nodded in agreement, but he dragged his tongue over his lips, pursed them together. He wasn’t thinking about the task at hand. Beomgyu slowly took his hand away.

“Are you turning 20 in 2020?” Yeonjun asked, crossing his arms.

“Yeah,” Beomgyu began excitedly. He spoke for some time about his age.

They talked about the first song they’d listen to in the New Year. Yeonjun’s mind was so preoccupied, he really wasn’t listening. He watched Soobin in the monitor, agonizing over why they could be fighting. Beomgyu whispered something in Soobin’s ear, put a hand up his back, around his shoulder. Yeonjun watched in confusion as Soobin grinned and accepted it. 

As they continued to talk about the new year, Soobin played with Beomgyu’s hand, touched his knee, let Beomgyu do the same. Yeonjun felt irrational anger come over him, and he couldn’t look away. His eyes kept traveling back, watching those fingers, how they intertwined. Soobin knew he was watching, knew where they’d just been. In the hall, how they were cut off. And he’d clung to someone else so easily.

Staff came by to adjust the camera. They talked about their last dance practice of the year, becoming year older, the new years fireworks, Yeonjun offered an anecdote. How they’d spent the last two years as a group, watching the fireworks. Last year they’d made a wish to debut, now it had come true. He’d remembered Soobin’s face, how it lit up in the glowing bursts of light. Back before they’d known each other like they did now. 

And finally, the new years countdown began. As they called out the numbers, watching the seconds disappear on the clock, Yeonjun remembered the last countdown they’d done. Soobin’s birthday, when everything had started. He thought he would carry his feelings to his grave. And yet the same year he debuted, he felt the bite of indiscretion. 

He envied his past self. The one that had been content in the cold night, watching Soobin’s smile, not wanting to possess it. A year ago, a month ago, being beside him was enough.

“5, 4, 3, 2, 1, HAPPY NEW YEAR!” They yelled. He went in for a hug with the others.

After a brief congratulations and a few more jokes, they ended the vlive. He stood and bowed, “Happy new year,” he said. It echoed all around from the members to the staff and back. When the staff had left to pack up, Yeonjun stretched out on the couch, his blue hair disappearing into the upholstery. Soobin immediately left the room. 

“Where’s he going? Aren’t we getting ready to go?” Hueningkai asked.

“I don’t know. He keeps talking about practicing,” Yeonjun said.

“They literally said he can’t push himself,” Taehyun replied.

“I know...I’ll try to talk to him again.” Yeonjun said.

“Should I get a manager?” Beomgyu asked.

“No, It’s a holiday, I feel bad. Just go ahead. I’ll come back alone, if I can’t talk him out of it.” Yeonjun replied.

“Goodluck.” Taehyun said. 

He nodded, hauled himself from the couch and walked to the practice rooms. He could hear music blaring from down the hall. Sure enough, Soobin was alone, practicing transitions. 

Yeonjun burst through the door. Soobin saw him and didn’t stop, continued dancing. Yeonjun walked to the back of the room and paused the music. Soobin stopped. He didn’t turn around.

“Why are you still here?” Yeonjun asked.

“Turn it back on,” Soobin said.

“No.”

Soobin reached into his pocket and found his phone. He opened the app and started the music again. It blasted over the speakers. Yeonjun flipped the switch on the soundboard, turning everything off. 

“Can you just leave me alone?” Soobin sighed.

“If you stop dancing, sure —“ Yeonjun replied.

“Would it kill you to mind your own business?” Soobin snapped. He was never so adamant about overworking. Clearly something else was upsetting him, but Yeonjun didn’t have the wits to steer them to productive conversation.

“Seriously? You’re hurting yourself.” Yeonjun said.

“There aren’t any cameras around. Why are you acting like you care?” Soobin said.

“...I’m starting to get really irritated with your whole destructive mood. Don’t make this personal.” He said. That was unfair. Anger was an understatement for how he felt. Nothing he’d said warranted this kind of attitude. They both knew what condition he was in.

“I know my limits. You make it personal when you tell me what to do.” Soobin countered.

“What’s with you? I felt how bad your leg is.” Yeonjun said.

“Oh is that what you were feeling?” Soobin said.

Yeonjun fell silent. Soobin’s words hung in the air, and for a moment neither of them spoke. 

“What you’ve been doing, I don’t like it. I have a career to focus on. I don’t need you butting in. Don’t touch me and don’t tell me what to do.” Soobin finally spoke again. 

Was that it? He didn’t want to be touched. It wasn’t okay just then, but it was okay with Beomgyu? His thoughts circled round, somewhere between rage and confusion. For weeks they’d been at it every day. And just now he was hearing objections.

“Is that what you really want?” Yeonjun asked, he looked Soobin in the eye, thinking over every moment they had. Every stolen touch between performances, at daybreak, at sunset. Every detail of his body committed to memory. Soobin went flush, said nothing as he crossed the room. 

Soobin came up beside him, reaching for the switch, still determined to put the music back on. 

Yeonjun took his wrist violently. He pinned Soobin to the wall, feeling the groove of the wood panelling against his palm. He took the blindfold from his pocket and dangled it between them. Soobin was red all over, frozen and flustered, looked at the blindfold, looked at Yeonjun. His breathing was already shallow.

Yeonjun grabbed Soobin’s bulge. He was already hard. The blindfold fell on the ground. 

“Liar.” Yeonjun growled. 

Yeonjun didn’t hesitate, riding impulse over inhibition. 

He kissed Soobin. Took his lips recklessly, before either of them could react. Yeonjun felt how soft it was, how electric and warm. Soobin looked at him in shock. 

Suddenly his heart fluttered. He didn’t know how it would land, if he would be rejected, but he knew he had to say it. 

“I like you.” Yeonjun said. His face heat up, ears turned red. “It’s not about the cameras. If that’s how deep it goes for you, you gotta let me know.” 

Soobin’s eyes grew so big. A whole universe swam up and spilled out. He pursed his lips. 

“I...” The words struggled to form. Soobin tugged on Yeonjun’s hoodie, and kissed him back.

Yeonjun felt like he was in a dream. He hooked his fingers around Soobin’s ears, held his face. He tasted like honey, smelled like shampoo. Yeonjun lost himself in it. He traced his tongue over the bow of Soobin’s lips, felt them part obediently. He slipped in, filling the heat of his mouth greedily, tasting him until they were breathless. Couldn’t hear anything over the sound of his own heart racing, his insides in free fall. 

Their lips popped as Soobin pulled away. “The security cameras,” he panted.

“Shit.” Yeonjun huffed. 

He looked around. The sound panel was barely in the shot. It probably looked like nothing, but it wasn’t worth risking. He reluctantly stepped away.

He texted for a driver. The only one had just finished dropping the others off at the apartment. ETA 30 minutes. He waited in the lounge with Soobin. They tried to hold out, but they couldn’t help it.

Yeonjun kissed Soobin, eased him back on the couch. 

Soobin protested lightly. “Someone could come...“ He couldn’t resist. He spread Soobin’s legs.

“Trust me,” Yeonjun said. Soobin melted immediately. 

Yeonjun put his hand up Soobin’s hoodie. Ran over bare skin, played with his nipple. Soobin shuddered and moaned. Yeonjun kissed him. It was addicting. 

He used his other hand and yanked down Soobin’s zipper. He’d waited too long for this. Yeonjun press his palm into Soobin’s cock. It burst from under his boxers, perky and budding with precum. Soobin’s face was awash with embarrassment. His lips were wet and open. Yeonjun gripped his cock hungrily, slid his fingers from tip to base.

Soobin gasped. He tried to close his legs. Yeonjun wouldn’t let him. “Hold on—” Soobin hissed, slipping into a heavy moan. His head jerked down in dismay, fixated on each stroke. He clamped his lips shut, humming in agony. 

Soobin was so hard. Yeonjun grinded against him, throbbing, thick. The way his cock twitched made him ravenous. “Yeonjun~” Soobin whined, speech slurred. Calling his name was cruel. Yeonjun stole his lips, Soobin gasped for air between kisses. 

He caressed Soobin’s inner thigh with his free hand. His dick swelled. His hips moved shamelessly. The slick sound, the heat, his unbridled moans. Yeonjun could tell he was already close. Soobin curled in around him. 

“No,” Soobin exclaimed, reaching out suddenly. He snagged the waistband of Yeonjun’s sweatpants. “Not just me.” 

Yeonjun looked at him, stunned. He stopped everything he was doing. Soobin leaned forward impatiently and tore Yeonjun’s pants down. He kneaded Yeonjun’s erection through his boxers. 

“Woah,” Yeonjun jerked.

Soobin dove into his boxers and stroked his cock. Yeonjun cursed unconsciously, hips buckling to the touch. The rush was insane. He couldn’t believe what was happening.

He watched the hand riding over his dick. He thought about how Soobin was getting him off. That was enough to make him explode. 

Yeonjun kissed Soobin, pumping him. Soobin’s moans rang in his mouth, he struggled for air, getting messier. Yeonjun’s cock swelled, spilled over a bit. He watched Soobin, mesmerized, climbing with his voice, hanging on his lips. The heat, his smell, a gaze with a desire that enveloped Yeonjun beyond reason. He took it in, wouldn’t look away. 

Soobin came violently, a barely audible, low moan, shivering all over. As he rode it out, hearing his shameless sounds overflow, consuming, Yeonjun abruptly climaxed. He dragged a hand over Soobin’s neck and hair, holding him in. They came in each other’s hands, cum spread all around in the last few strokes, soaking into their pants.

His chest heaved, carefully pulling back. He tried to avoid the couch, but he’d made a mess of Soobin. He sat up, a soft halo of frizz and parted bangs, his fly undone. They looked at each other and the embarrassment came flooding back. 

Something fizzled over, like never-ending fireworks going off in his chest. The world welcomed 2020. They’d abandoned the blindfold on the dance floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, this is captain cockblock. First of all, I'm crying over this new comeback ya'll I literally can't. Second, I know I said two weeks and it ended up being two months, but hear me out: I never forgot to write. In fact, the word count of all drafts, deleted scenes, and plot notes for this chapter is 8070 -- this final chapter contains no shared content with my previous drafts, so all together i’ve written 14714 words toward this one chapter. In conclusion, I will never write from Yeonjun's perspective again. It makes me want to cliff dive. So sorry for the delay. I really short circuited writing this. It felt like it would never come out.
> 
> A note for the last chapter: If you guys can remember back, last chapter centered around recording eternity tracks. Unfortunately, I recently discovered a clip where Yeonjun says he got the demo for PUMA while in Japan - this places recording in January for eternity (5/27/20 T:Time). Last chapter takes place in December, so I made a mistake with my timeline already :(( In December, they would have been recording for their Japanese comeback. So if you could imagine that Chapter 3 is about recording in Japanese, that would be great. I like the lyric placement of "eternally" for the chapter's theme, which is the main reason why I don't have the heart to change it.
> 
> Canon Notes: The video Yeonjun uses to get off is youtube TXT Debut Week Behind Story, where Soobin cries. 
> 
> In the @star1 photoshoot shooting sketch, Beomgyu comments that he’s nearly 20 years old. Meaning it’s late December when they shoot. In the @star1 interview, Soobin mentions covering Boy in Luv by BTS, which means their interview takes place after Christmas. I decided to place the photoshoot on New Years Eve, even if there are some discrepancies with Yeonjun's hair growth and toner that would suggest a few days difference. New Years Eve in Seoul was the coldest day in December, 12 degrees Fahrenheit at the coldest. 
> 
> The vlive is obviously 12/31/19. Yeonjun looks very pissed and Soobin is floating around in fairyland the whole time. It’s a weird broadcast.
> 
> The boys are practicing for the Golden Disk awards. They received their entire routine two days before the show, and reported having trouble with the basketballs even the day before going on. (4/14/20 Vlive).
> 
> As far as surveillance, I figured out there are no cameras in the bighit artist reception lounge. I checked pictures and cross-referenced with yeonjun’s bday (10/30/19 T:Time). Conversely, I know there are surveillance cameras in all practice rooms because the members have complained about it. On a vlive with Yeonjun, Soobin mentioned that they used to eat and sleep in the corridors, because they'd be seen on the cameras in the practice rooms (Vlive 7/6/20). (and the artist reception lounge was presumably off-limits to trainees) The title of this chapter shares its name with a track on Soobin's 9/14/20 spotify playlist (Don't Get Any Closer by Bebe Rexha).
> 
> Please let me know if y'all are still out there, how you liked our new retro comeback, and how you liked the chapter!! Thanks so much ~ See you next time.


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